Other discoveries

Yesterday I was writing about recent self discoveries, but then I realized afterwards that I have had some recent other discoveries. The main one is: you can't trust Lorrie. She looks sweet and innocent, but she's a LIAR.
Well, OK, you can trust her for the most part. She's actually a pretty good person, and I don't really want to alienate my most loyal reader by saying this. But she did lead me astray during a recent visit to the OBGYN. We met for lunch downtown, where, incidentally, I discovered something else about myself: I don't like tzasiki sauce. But anyways, we were going to look around at this and that, and then I wanted to go home and take a quick shower before the big PAP-eroo. But Lorrie says, she says, and I quote "Oh. Don't worry. They're not going to do a pap. It's just your first visit. All they're going to do is ask a bunch of questions." So then I trusted her.
Flash forward an hour later and I was sitting in a tiny exam room wearing a paper towel, waiting for a pap test. So I phoned her up, told her that I was in a dire situation. So she says "Just use the wet wipes on the end table." I was relieved to hear that was a Plan B. So I hung up and went to retrieve a wipe. Empty!!! So I phoned her back . "The tub is empty!" I said, panicked. I contemplated using soap from the soap dispenser, but she cautioned me against this, saying that it could leave a bubbly residue. So I was screwed. And to think that I had gone to all the trouble of buying new shoes, new stockings, a new shirt AND a new camisole special for the occasion. I had even bought breath mints. But now all of that was going down the toilet because I skipped the shower and surely she would know. It was a disaster. So next time, if Lorrie ever tells you that they won't do a pap test, don't believe her. Go home, shower, shave, make sure your pre pap routine is complete. She cannot be trusted in this regard.
The other thing I have discovered recently, which I report with some regret, is that my son Gage has now surpassed me in terms of political savy. He wanted to know who I would vote for in the election (they are doing a unit on it at school). At that precise moment a commercial came on for Lorne Calvert. So I said "I'll just vote for that guy. He seems nice." Gage was like "Mom, you can't vote for him." I was like "Why? He's not running?" And he says "Well he's running, but you have to vote for the candidate running in your riding?" And I was like "What do you mean?" And he said that if I wanted to vote Calvert that I would actually have to vote for Andy Iwanchuck, which seemed absurt to me, but I did some looking into it and dog gone if he isn't right about that. And then the other night an enemurator came to the door. He asked if I knew how I was going to vote, to which I replied "I'm still undecided," which sounded better than "I have about as much interest in this election as I do in dryer lint", which was what I was thinking. And actually, upon further thought, perhaps dryer lint is more interesting. I mean, where does it come from?? Bat back to the enumerator: Then my darling son materializes and chimes in "She doesn't know who to vote for. She doesn't even know who's running!!" I simply laughed teresely and reiterated that I was still undecided and had some thinking to do on the matter. I felt rather badly that my nine year old son seems to be more abreast of these things than I do, but I will defend myself by saying that he is technically almost ten. And it's not my fault because they don't talk a lot of politics on the shows that I watch-- Flip that House and Criminal Minds, so it's hard to stay informed. Anyways. Onto other matters.
Things with my husband are at a stand still. Last night he proposed that we should start using condoms. Condoms! Like I'm back in high school all over again. Honestly. I said I didn't want to use condoms. He said he doesn't want to have sex then. So now I am screwed, but not in the literal sense. Well, actually, I am because he decided after we had already had sex that he wanted to start using condoms. Now I didn't feel like getting into a big discussion at that point, but I guess there will be one coming at some point. It is getting harder to convince him. Last time we fought for about two days, and then finally I got my way, not because he really wants to have another baby but because he felt that he had to give in to me for the sake of our marriage. I don't know. I guess I can just poke holes in the condoms or something like that. I'll have to work something out. Will keep you posted on that situation.

Self Discovery

At the ripe old age of thirty years, you would think that by now I would know everything there is to know about everything, and even more so, about myself. So this thing called 'self discovery' that these new agers all speak of is hard to achieve for someone like me. But this past week I have discovered two important things about myself, that I had absolutely no idea about before. One is that I am actually not very good at black jack. Two is that I actually like tuna salad. Now, perhaps they are not deep or profound, but I think that their everyday utility makes them important learnings nonetheless.
The first learning occured at Geoff's staff party this Thursday past. It was a little shindig to celebrate the end of golf season. After dinner we had this little casino thing (when Geoff's planning the event, you can bet there's gonna be either gambling or football. Thankfully, for this venue, it was gambling.) We were given $40,000 play money to gamble with. I lost it in about half an hour at the black jack table. The people at the table said that I was terrible at blackjack, and in fact, probably shouldn't play it anymore, but that I was a really sweet girl. Geoff kind of felt bad for me when I told him that, but I was like "well, in the scheme of things, would you rather be remembered as a good blackjack player, or a good person?" Geoff said black jack player, but I think it's an honor to be considered 'sweet'. Anyways, being that I'm married to Geoff he gave me another 40G's. So I was back in the game. People wondered where I had gotten my fat stack of cash from, certainly they knew that I hadn't won it, and I was like 'you have to be sleeping with the banker'. But even as I said the words, another young blondie went up to him and he slipped her another wad, too. I was like "But, perhaps there are other factors operating there. Or at least I hope so." So, all in all, it was good time, despite the fact that I lost eighty thou and my husband may or not be having an affair. There was cheescake and bruschetta, so I was happy.
The other learning took place last Saturday at the HQC seminar. They had all these little sandwiches for lunch, and I didn't want to take most of them because they had mustard on them, so I had no choice but to take the tuna salad one on the offchance that I might like it. Certainly, I knew it would be better than mustard. For those of you who know me, you will note my strict "No condiments" philophy, which I live and die by except in one rare case: I will eat ketchup with frozen fish sticks. And that is the one and only time. Otherwise, I do not like ketchup anywhere within a two foot radius of my food. I don't even like to touch the bottle. Ditto for mustard, mayo, relish, etc. But anyways, as I was saying, about the conference, the pickings were slim for a picky person like me so I rather reluctantly took the tuna. I was loathe to take a bite, but I was hungry so I tasted it warily. But I liked it!! I couldn't believe it. So that was interesting. There I was, eating a tuna salad sandwich, something that I had never thought possible. So it just goes to show: conquer your fears!! If I can eat tuna salad, you can go bungee jumping or scale Everest. The sky's the limit. Dream the impossible dream.
One more quick thing before I go. You remember the difficulty I was having with my Hazelnut coffee cream at work last month?? Well I jus like to let you all know that problem is now resolved. On Friday, I was presented with a bottle of it from the staff in lieu of the stuff they had used and we all agreed to share from now on and take turns buying it. So in summary. Life is good. I have Hazelnut at work, I like tuna and am generally regarded as a sweet girl. It couldn't possibly get any better than that. Could it??