Not what I was hoping for...

Well, I have heard from my doctor and the news is not what I was hoping for. My HcG on Tuesday was 35,000- which she had said was actually very reassuring at that point. But then today it was down to 30,000- which she said that the only way the numbers would go down is in the case of fetal demise, with a normal pregnancy they double every 48hours. So even though I thought that I was prepared for bad news, it was still very sad to hear, I felt the words like a physical assault. I guess we can never really prepare ourselves for stuff like this. I knew from what I had read on the internet that the chances weren't good at all, but I guess deep down inside I carried the hope that I was going to be the one to beat the odds. Anyways, for me this pregnancy started out full of hope. I simply thought that there was no way that I would lose another one. The last time ended badly, but that was a freak thing and it wouldn't, couldn't, happen again. I can still remember the day in Lorrie's kitchen when I first found out. I wish I could rewind time and go back til then. What I would do differently, I don't know. I did what I could. Folic acid before I got pregnant. Materna as soon as I found out. No alcohol. No smoking. Ate healthy, etc. Anyways, I guess it was all for not. What makes it worse for me is that my due date for Reid is coming up quick- May 4th. And now, instead of celebrating new life, I am, once again, grieving for it. But, I guess, life will go on...
Tomorrow I am supposed to go and see an OBGYN who will book me for a D&C, probably early next week. I have the option of a 'do it yourself abortion'- where they give meds to induce cramps. But I took that shit once before and all that happened was I bled all damn night and then found out that it was only partially effective and had to have a D&C anyways. So I think it will be easier to just take the surgery and be done. Anyways, thank you all for your care and concern over the last week. I guess the good news is- this is one way to get two paid weeks off work.