Another tatoo for me

I had my ultrasound this morning. On the way there the sun was shining. "Good Vibrations" (by Marky Mark) was playing on the radio. I recalled my last appointment where it was drizzly and cool and sad songs were playing. I thought maybe the contrast between the two appointment dates was a sign that this appointment was destined to go better. I allowed myself to get my hopes up. But I should not have. The gestational sac that was there before is still there, but it is flat like a pancake now. The walls have collapsed in because there is nothing inside to keep them open anymore. So it seems that once again I will have to try to pick up the pieces and move on. It's weird because I never held out much hope for this pregnancy from the beginning, but I guess there was always this part of me that thought I would be wrong. This part of me that always insisted 'it won't happen again!'. I took the results in stride, it seemed so surreal that this was happening again. I guess there are worse things in life- but it still seems unfair. Well, anyways, I'm going to go now and maybe take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night- worried about the appointment and so on. Thanks for reading.

The jury is still out...

Just wanted to let y'all know that there is still no news for me. My doctors apt. was today but it was cancelled. I have my ultrasound tomorrow so she reschuled me for Friday because she wanted to wait until she had my ultrasound before seeing me so that she has some more information. Ultrasound tomorrow at 9:20. Dr. Apt Friday at 4:45. So far things seem normal. No bleeding or cramping or anything, breasts still sore. I'm really hoping for some good news tomorrow! Will let you know how it goes.

Maybe some hope for me

I just talked to my doctor again. Busy lady- she called from her cell phone on her way to the hospital to do a delivery. But the news is good- or at least, as good as we could expect. My HCG is 10, 800 something something. So it is still going up, which is good to know. I definately feel a little bit better now, although I am still not in the clear. We are going to do another ultrasound next week and hopefully it will show some improvements. She said we should still be cautious, but there is at least still some hope. Well, that is all for now.

Not looking very good...

The fat lady I alluded to yesterday is excersising her voice. She may sing. She may not. What I mean by that is- it may be over, it may not be. Got my ultrasound results today and the results are inconclusive. It sounds a lot like last time. Gestational sac measuring five weeks two days, no fetal pole or fetal heart, which would be considered a normal finding if I were, indeed five weeks two days, but I'm actually seven weeks, so it doesn't quite measure up. My doc says her gut feeling is that it's probably not good. Nothing to do but wait and see. She sent me for a blood test to see if my HCG is up or down from last time. If it's up then the viability of this pregnancy is still in a 'grey zone' and we will just have to wait and do another ultrasound in a week or so. If it's down then we know that it is a miscarriage. Won't get the results til tomorrow, but that is OK. I've waited this long, another day can't hurt. Dr. Fenton says that I should probably prepare myself for the worst. On the up side- she said that if I do lose this one they will actually be able to investigate things rather than just the usual 'too badm, so sad' routine. One miscarriage is considered bad luck. Two- really bad luck. Three- beyond what bad luck alone could possibly account for and warrants further investigation. She said that there are some things they will look into-- blood tests for abnormal clotting factors, check the uterine lining for abnormalities, check my hormones. She says regardless of what these tests find she will definately put me on progesterone next time and we could hope to have a better outcome. Anyways, this is unfortunate news for me, but I guess... that's life sometimes. It can suck pretty hard core. And at least things aren't as bad as on this movie I watched today where a girl got trapped alone on a boat with an ax wielding maniac. It's like they say- the only thing worse than this pile of shit is an ever bigger pile of shit- and that is presicely a bigger shit pile. I would take several miscarriages in a row compared to being trapped on a ship with a pychopath, although she does turn out to survive in the end and live happily ever after- albeit with a few minor lacerations and frizzy hair. Well, I guess on that note I should be going. Thank you for your readership.

It's not over til the fat lady sings

I had my ultrasound today. A big shout out to Trent and Lorrie for babysitting for me, and thereby making this event possible. It wasn't without some apprehension that I drove to my appointment. Partly due to the appointment itself but also partly due to the fact that it was drizzling outside and my windshield wipers don't work- a slight problem that is a non consideration when it's not raining outside, but becomes a rather large problem when it does rain. I wondered if it was a sign or some sort of grim foreshadowing that it was overcast as I pulled into the parking lot. It looked gloomy, which left me with a feeling of foreboeding, although perhaps I would have encountered that no matter what the cloud coverage. A song played on the radio: Far Away by Nickleback, which was something of a reminder of my miscarriage with Reid. I came home that day from that ill fated doctors appointment and promptly began cleaning my kitchen while music played from the TV. The words to the sung struck me: I love you, I've loved you all along. For it seemed to encapsulate so well what I was feeling- that I had loved this being from the very hint of a positive pregnancy test. You invest yourself so much in a pregnancy from it's very inception. Anyways, the particular song playing also seemed to be somehow a warning, or maybe even an epiphany. Something somehow significant. More significant than it seemed. I shook myself away from those thoughts and pulled myself along across the street and up the stairs to the ultrasound clinic. A new worry was beginning to pool- literally speaking. My bladder was feeling like it was about to burst. It was intensely uncomfortable. I wondered how long I would be left in the waiting room and if I would be able to contain myself.
Luckily, there wasn't much waiting and within a moment I was being led into a rather impressive examining room: Hardwood floors, low lighting. The ultrasound commenced. They did not tell me anything during the exam. I kept my eyes riveted to the screen, and I have to say that at no point did I see a fetal pole or a heart beat or even a gestational sac. But, keep in mind, I'm a lowly nurse and not a radiologist. I tried to get the technician to comment on the findings, but she remained fairly tight lipped. I shared with her my feeling that the uterus seemed to be empty, and she did concede that "we're not seeing exactly what we should be seeing here" but then concluded with "but your dates could be off". I said that I was pretty sure of my dates and then she again told me to speak with family doctor regarding the matter. Unfortunately, this proved difficult because they have yet to fax any results to her. So, basically, I am still waiting for the ax to fall. In a way it was a relief when the doctor called, I had been expecting her to say "Your ultrasound isn't reassuring". I felt like I had dodged a bullet when she merely said that she hadn't gotten the results yet and would let me know in the morning. A stay of execution.
I try to prepare myself for this, but it isn't easy. It's so hard to think about going through all those emotions once again. I went to the store today to get some fresh air. And what do I see. The two girls in front of me- bot pregnant out to high heavens. Buying cigarettes. Look like they're seventeen if they're a day. And then they begin to enter into a conversation with the clerk at the store about pregnancy. And she says 'Yeah, I think I'll be having another baby, too. I've got two teenage kids, but the problem is in a few years they'll move out and I'll be evicted from my place because it's low income housing and the only way I can stay on there and stay of welfare is if I have a dependent child'. MY GOD. I was thinking to myself: you're planning on having another baby because you cannot support your sorry white trash ass, so you need to use a baby as a crutch in order to recieve handouts??? And the two girls in front of me were all empathetic, saying 'yeah, we're low income housing, too'. And I was like 'how is it even remotely fair that I am the only person in this room who is deserving of having a baby, and yet, I'm the one who can't seem to get there?? If there is a God he is pretty shallow or stupid or has a terrible sense of humor!!
Anyways, I am trying to think about my doctor had said before about the progesterone. I will have to give it some serious thought and impress upon my Geoff my desire to give it a try. The thing is is that every time I have a miscarriage it makes my desire to have a baby stronger, but it seems to have the opposite effect on him- he seems less and less inclined to keep trying with each miscarriage. Well, perhaps I am getting ahead of myself. Like I said in the title- it ain't over til the fat lady sings.
Onto another pressing issue: What the hell ever happened to those delicious jelly rolls they used to make? You know the ones- you could get strawberry or chocolate. I just realized that they seem to be unavailable. I love those things! Has anyone seen one out there somewhere? Do let me know. Likewise, I will let you know about the results I get tomorrow, if any.

Wating for the ax to fall...

First day of holidays today. It should be exciting for me, but I find myself feeling rather melancholy. Maybe it's just the weather. I don't know. Maybe my pregnancy hormones are starting to kick into high gear and make me weepy. Maybe it's just the stress of the last few weeks. I spend my days basically just feeling like I'm waiting for the ax to fall, and almost hoping that it will. My HCG on Wednesday was 5500, which represented the highest increase yet. I was actually pretty pumped about it, because the whole time I was waiting for the results I just had this really bad feeling that it was going to go down. "This is going to be the day that it goes down", I kept thinking, bracing myself for the news.But it continues to go up. And on the one hand I can tell myself that as long as I'm not having any bleeding, cramping or spotting, and my numbers are going up, I should treat this as a normal pregnancy and not fret about it. However, a quick search on the internet proves that slow doubling times for HCG is generally indicitive of either an ectopic pregnancy or a failing intrauterine pregnancy. My doctors clipped tones are subtly suggestive of the fact that she herself is not overly optimistic, either. She's pretty vague about things, using words like 'concerning' and 'worrisome' when discussing my results but never out right saying what the chances are. She also made a point of saying that if I start bleeding or spotting I should call her immediately. And then she went on to suggest that if I miscarry again they may be able to give me some kind of treatment during my next pregnancy to reduce the risk- progesterone injections or something. It's kind of cold comfort for me because I'm really just counting on this pregnancy being OK. I don't know if Geoff would go for another one. In fact, I'm nearly certain that he won't. He's already relented to trying "one more time" three times, which is more than fair. To make matters worse for me, I'm feeling particularly vulnerable because Geoff is working more than ever now and I feel so stessed out and it sometimes seems the kids are crushing me- figuratively speaking. I would love a little breathing room, but it doesn't seem that that's anywhere in the near or distant future for me. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. But it's so maddening that I'm going through this AGAIN. Why can't things just be normal for me?? Perhaps they still will be but I'm sick of waiting to find out. My doctor is going to call and try to book an ultrasound for sometime next week- as I'm not scheduled until the 28th. The ultrasound is a cause for both excitement and fear. I'm excited to be able to find out if everything is OK but I'm scared because I don't know if I can take more bad news. But I guess I don't have a choice. Will let you know how the ultrasound goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me./

6 Weeks

6 Weeks 1 Day. Doing well. Got my results this morning, still a little low at 4,000- an increase of only 500 over 3 days, which may sound OK but considering the fact that it should have gone up by double (3500), it's not too great. But I'm not bleeding or spotting, no cramps or anything like that. So I take that as a fairly good sign. I talked to my doc this morning and she said we'll test the HCG again tomorrow and if it's still not doubling like it's supposed to she'll phone and try to beg for an ultrasound this week- as they're supposedly "booked solid" until August 28th- a fact which I can scarcely believe because an ultrasound only takes five minutes. You must be able to squeeze someone in. So I'll do the bloodwork tomorrow, no results until Thursday so that's another two days of waiting and wondering, poking at my breasts from time to time to see if they still hurt. But I truly appreciate my doctor. I phoned her office this morning and they said it was her day off. So I said 'can I leave her a message to call me tomorrow?". But then, not five minutes later and she was phoning me, probably from home on her day off. I don't see how that woman has a moment of spare time for herself. Anyways, the whole thing is a stressful situation for me but hopefully soon I will get some good news- either a good HCG or a good ultrasound. Keep your fingers crossed.

Maybe Baby

It can't happen again.
That's what I keep thinking, what I keep telling myself. Hopefully it won't, but right now it seems possible. We're monitoring my HCG levels, and normally they would double every 48 hours. My first blood test was on Wednesday. At that time, the level was at 2700, a little on the low side for 5 weeks (the norm would be 3500-100,000) but a single number in isolation doesn't really mean much. On Friday the level had risen, but far from doubled- it was 3500. So right now we don't really know much more than what I did at the start of this. It could go either way. Hopefully the numbers will pick up. But the other possibility remains- they might peter out. I tell myself that as long as they keep going up- even if it's not doubling exactly- that's OK. It's not over until they start going down. I did another test today, but won't know the result until tomorrow. It's hard all this waiting. I just wish the numbers would do what they're supposed to do or do nothing at all. The uncertainty seems worse. So another night of tossing and turning. If I lose this pregnancy I don't know what I'll do. I know that Geoff won't want to try again so this is my last chance. I try not to think about it.
Anyways, other than that things are great. Paytons party was good and it was well attended. She got a lot of cool stuff. I shall post some pictures of the birthday girl later. Have a nice evening. I shall post tomorrow the results of my latest blood test.

Still 5 Weeks

5 Weeks, 2 Days.
The days are passing slowly. Wish I could hit a fast forward button. Not that I want the pregnancy to be over. I wouldn't wish it away- it's my last one so I want to enjoy it!! When you look back on it after its all said and done it always seemed sort of sad to me. You know, you get used to the little squirmings and such. But I do want to get to a more exciting phase of things. Around sixteen weeks is good- starting to show, starting to feel movement, first ultrasound. But right now it's peeing and more peeing. I talked to my doc today and we will do an ultrasound next week. Have yet to book a date or time. And in the meantime it's bloodwork every other day to monitor my HCG levels. So within the next week or so I should have some more information on whether this pregnancy's going to be a keeper or a flusher. I know that's crude, and I can be crude sometimes, but I guess that's the way it goes when you're jaded and stressed and feeling bloated.
Other than that, things are going well with me. We are planning a big shindig on Saturday for Paytons birthday. She's really become our little princess- well I guess she always was- but it seems to be getting worse . She's become our roommate and sleeps with us more often than not. But Geoff and I are both powerless to resist her charms. For her birthday we are planning to get up early and make her a big breakfast in bed (which, will be actually our bed) and getting her a little bouquet of flowers for her special day. And then next on the agenda is hair and nails. Followed by your traditional hotdog and cake birthday party. Anyways, you may think that I'm a little nervy to be bragging up my own daughter as such, but to that I say- I only wish you could live your life with her in it for 24 hours and then you would feel exactly the same way. She really is precious. Ask anyone that knows her.
Happy to report that I am over my dog mourning. I have all but forgotten him and his yappy little bark. So, easy come, easy go, I guess. That is all for now. Will keep you appraised of the bloodwork and ultrasound. TTFN.

5 Weeks

I'm five weeks pregnant today. There's nothing really interesting happening. So far I'm not having any symptoms, which is OK because usually I don't really get anything like morning sickness until about seven weeks. Sometimes my breasts hurt and sometimes they don't. Whenever they don't I become deathly afraid that something horrible is about to happen. I have done four pregnancy tests just because I'm always thinking "what if I've already lost it..." Anyways, they're all positive so I guess that's a good sign. I'm neurotic and I try to pass the days by sleeping as much as possible and laying around. Everytime one of the kids jumps on me or the dog pounces me I become paranoid. I go to the bathroom all the time to make sure I'm not bleeding or anything. So far nothing like that. Tomorrow I will fax my doctor my positive pregnancy test result and ask her to book me an ultrasound for next week. I think I'll feel a lot better about things once I have that ultrasound. Assuming of course, that the ultrasound is OK.
Other than my neuroticism, there is nothing much new. One rather unfortunate development occured on Thursday of last week. We have to remove our jewelry at work to smudge in the morning. I guess I forgot to put my wedding bands back on afterwards. Now they are nowhere to be found. So of course, that was a rather sickening feeling for me. I filed a police report and everything. On the upside, the dude who took my statement was really hot. And the really crazy thing is that we share the exact same birthday. We will both be turning thirty soon. For a moment I thought it was Fate that brought us together. But then I remembered why I was there: to report my stolen WEDDING Bands. And that I'm pregnant. So I guess there's not much of a chance for Constable Wall and I. There's also not much of a chance that my wedding bands will ever be found. Our house insurance will pay for it but its a $500 deductible, so that sucks. Because of course, don't we all just have five hundred bucks laying around to spare? Well, maybe some of you do. Myself, a lowly nurse, I don't. Well, I should go. Peace out. And if any of you happen to be in a pawn shop and see my rings, please let me know!