A Guilty Conscience

So readership has soared (when I say soared, I mean gotten off the ground- five readers now)with my recent writings about my husband. The more I point out the fallibility of my partner, the happier my readers are- and I will admit that it does make for more interesting reading than the whiskers on Alex's stuffed mouse toy (getting worse, I daresay). So with my readers giving me such positive feedback, I was feeling pretty good. But then I went to bed. And Geoff said "Thank you so much for being so good to me- you're an awesome wife."
Gulp.
And it's like 'why the hell would you have to go and say something like that?' You might better serve my purposes if you farted, rolled over, scratched your balls and snored yourself to sleep with your finger up your nose. So then I felt bad. I wonder if I would still be the awesome wife if he read my blog from time to time. Yikes.

The truth is that I do love my husband, yet it is also true that the precise reason alludes me sometimes. I do not think that- and I hope that I'm not- bashing my husband for the sole reason of discrediting him. I guess I am just venting my frustrations, frustrations that I do feel are valid. Being a woman in this society is a tricky thing-- (note to self: possible thesis title in case I decide to foray in post modernism feminist courses as some point). One has to truly really love being a mother for the sake of being a mother- because you will probably never get the respect or appreciation that you deserve. It is probably the ONLY job in the WORLD where it is acceptable to never give any raises, benefits, breaks, performance evaluations, vacation time, sick days, etc. I mean, imagine if we had a union. It's be like "Ms. Sorowski, you're three month review is very positive: you handled the baby's teething problems very well. The flu epidemic tested you, but you pulled through with flying colors- your approach to handwashing was very encouraging. Unfortunately, it seems that your meatloaf could use a touch more flavour- I would like to know what you are doing with it spice wise- it could probably stand some tweaking. But the fact that you do make your own baby food more than compensates for that. All in all, we would give you four stars out of five- four and a half if you tweak the meatloaf as per our discussion. Because of your hard work and determination, we are going to give a salary increase, 15% more room in the bed, Saturdays off and an upgrade on your toaster oven. Your work attire leaves a little to be desired, so we are allotting you with a monthly wardrobe allowance as well."

But that will not happen. I have to settle for the occasional grunt of appreciation while they devour their dinners. Actually, Payton is pretty good sometimes. The other day while I was brushing her hair she said, out of nowhere, "I have a good mom". I was like "What?" I wasn't sure what she meant, exactly. I thought maybe it was some kind of a movie or TV show- I did not know. It was cute. Moments like that make it worthwhile I guess, although the 15% more room in bed would be nice as well.

Anyways, I think I should try to ease up on my husband a bit. He's not a bad person or a bad husband. It is just a lot easier for him to blend into the background when he is home, and I sometimes think that I perpetuate that very thing. He'll ask if I need help in the kitchen and I say no, because I guess sometimes it just seems easier just to do it myself. Eventually he stops asking. I don't know. Marriage is a tricky thing as well. We will just keep trying to get it right.