How Not to Relax

I wanted to relax tonight, after having a busy Monday.
So I thought it would be good to have a foot spa.
Problem was, I didn't have one.
So I took the kids to Wal Mart to buy one.
I also bought some really nice peppermint foot soak, scrub and lotion.
I know, I know. "No unnecessary purchases."
But me feet are, like, really sore right now, so this constitutes necessary.

An hour later and I'm home again.
I read the kids "Love you Forever" by Robert Munch, and "The Playhouse" as well.
I turned on their night light, kissed them good night, and left the room to be alone with my new foot spa.
I dismissed the instructions at first. But then I thought I should give them at least a cursory glance. I skipped through to the Frequently Asked Questions.
"How long should I soak my feet for?"
Ah. Good question.
The answer "Ten to fifteen minutes, under advisement of your physician."
Physician??
Fuck.
I haven't even gone back to the doctor for a pap test for three years or so.
I'm not going to go there to ask about a foot spa. I could only imagine my doctors notation in my chart.
"Paranoia getting worse. Has total lack of common sense. Possible mental impairment."
Scew that. Ten minutes should be fine.
But then I started to worry about that pap test.
Has it really been three years??
How long does it take for cancer to form?

Anyways.
I discarded the instructions. Bloody useless.
I filled my foot spa up with warm tap water. Stuck my feet in.
Screaming erupted from the bedroom.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOMM I NEED AN ICE PACK!!"
"What? Why?" I yelled.
"I hit my eye ball on the corner of my bed."
"Can you go check her eye?" I asked Gage.
"What, exactly, am I looking for?"
"Just make sure it's still in it's socket," I said, and tried to soak my feet.

Then I looked at the table.
The candle!
Yes, this would be so much more relaxing with a candle.
I dried my feet, tip toed into the kitchen to find a lighter.
I rummaged through several drawers. Reminded myself that I really must get my licence renewed when I came across the notice from SGI, unopened.
Had to go out to the garage.
Finally came back in, to find the kids out of bed again.
Usher them back to bed.
Light the candle. Put my feet back in the soak.
Now the waters cold.

I took my feet out, tiptoed across the floor, emptied it and refilled it with as hot as I can stand it water.
I stick my feet in.
Way too fucking hot.
Dried my feet off. Tip toed to the kitchen again, poured a glass of ice water, added it to the soak.
Now the water is just above the fill line. I wonder what could happen if it's over filled.
Probably nothing, I tell myself.
But, then again.
What if it explodes?
What if it short circuits the wiring?
Could I get electrocuted?
I should dump out some water, just to be safe.
I take the cup, ladle out a cup.
Sit back down.
That's better.
But still- it's missing something, I think.

And then I remember, my Peppermint foot soak.
Yes! This would be so much more relaxing with the soothing aroma of peppermint!
Out again, getting the peppermint foot soak. I read the instructions.
"Pour one capful into running water."
Sigh.
I take the tub, empty it and refill it again, adding the solution.
Sit down again.
The smell of peppermint is nice.
Reminds me of peppermint tea.
That would really be nice, I start to think.
In fact, I don't think I can properly relax without some.
So I go to get some, without taking the time to dry my feet thoroughly this time.
I notice that there's a little puddle of water beside the spa.
Great. Not I have to clean the floors.

Anyways.
This whole business of relaxing is very exhausting.
I think I'll stick to Chardonnay.
Have a good night.