Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Chapter One of New Book


I’m starting to get a little nervous.
Starting to get nervous? Cripes. I’ve been nervous the whole freaking hour that I’ve been trapped in this dingy office.
Technically, I’m not trapped. I just feel trapped. I’m free to go at any point. The door is open, and freedom is just a few feet away. But I still remain seated, arms folded, legs crossed. The walls are completely white except for one single poster. When I first saw the poster I really didn’t pay much attention. It was of osteoporosis, of all things, and I figure that unless I’m seventy nine years old, there’s not much I need to know about it. But then I started to get desperate. And now I have read that poster over a dozen times.
Frankly, I’m starting to get nervous about osteoporosis. My diet is lacking in dairy. I just know that it is. Unless you can count Coffee Creamo.
Or chocolate bars.
I resolve right then and there that as soon as I ever get out of here I’m going to buy a big bottle of calcium supplements. I’m going to have the biggest, densest bones ever. I’ll be freakishly solid. People will envy me for my bone density. This is my new goal.
Finally, the doctor enters the room and closes the door behind him.
“It’s a good thing you came in today, Maddy,” he began as he sat down. The strained, pinched, expression on his face worries me.
My stomach lurches.
“It was positive, wasn’t it?” I ask. I was sure that it was, but still, this is hard to take.
He shook his head. “The pregnancy test was negative. But while the lab tech was running the test, she noticed that your urine had a fairly strong, foul odor. So we ran some other tests on it. As it turns out, it has some very unusual characteristics to it.”
“Unusual how?” I ask.
“There are organisms in it that are very unusual. In fact, there are no documented cases of them ever being seen in humans. It’s very perplexing. I’ve consulted with a specialist in ID, infectious disease, and he wants you admitted for tests. It could actually be quite serious,” he says, his face grave.
“Admitted? Like to a hospital, or something?”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. But it looks like we might have caught this thing early enough to nip it in the bud, so to speak. You’re vital signs are stable, and your physical exam seems perfectly normal, so there’s reason to be hopeful that it hasn’t started to effect your other systems.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” I say. “I feel quite fine, so…”
“You may feel fine now, but…it’s a race against time to figure out what is going on here. Frankly, we’re all stumped. Right now time is on our side, but soon- and there’s no telling how soon- you’ll start to deteriorate into kidney failure, which will lead to other organ failure. We have to pursue this rather aggressively. There is no other choice, I’m afraid.”
I slink down in my chair.
“I just… I have a paper due, and some other stuff. But once things settle down with school I’ll check myself in. I promise.”
“All the arrangements have already been made. The ID specialist will meet you in the ER. He’s waiting there now.”
I slink down further into my chair, trying to make myself invisible. I chastise myself for this whole stupid, hair brained scheme. If only it wasn’t for that damn lousy, nosy lab tech. What business is it of hers to be smelling my urine, anyways? She should have just done her job and done the pregnancy test, nothing less and nothing more. I would be out of here now, enjoying my calcium pills.
“Can I tell you something… off the record?” I ask.
He looks puzzled and gives a slow, wary nod.
“Would it make a difference if I said that the urine wasn’t mine?”
“Well, yes, it would make a difference. A huge difference. You need to tell me exactly whose sample it is. Her life could be in danger.”
I look down at the floor, too embarrassed to look him in the eye.
“It’s not exactly a person,” I confess.
“Come again?” he asks.
“It belongs to my cat, Shirley.”
“You brought your cats’ urine in for a pregnancy test?”
I nod sheepishly.
“For what purpose?” he asks.
“Well, do you know how expensive it is to take a cat to a vet? A simple test like that could cost a hundred dollars!”
“I see,” he says pointedly. “So you decided to commit fraud?”
“It’s not fraud, it’s just…I’m a student. I don’t have any money for vet bills. I don’t even have money for…for food…or calcium supplements, which I apparently might need, by the way. And there are no free clinics for cats. So what was I to do? And do you have any idea how hard it was to collect a urine sample from a cat?”
“No. And I am certainly not interested in finding out. I have spent half the morning on the phone consulting with other doctors because of your little scheme. You’ve completely wasted my time, and the time of all my patients whose appointments have been delayed because of you and your cat. Not to mention the fact that the very head of infectious disease has cleared his while morning for you. You have made a complete mockery of the Medicare system that we are so very fortunate to have. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask that you not return to these offices.”
I nod slowly. “All right. I suppose that’s fair. But just for clarification, before I go. That test was negative?”
“All I can tell you is that it was negative for Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. The test was not exactly designed for cats and the results are totally invalid,” he said with indignation before he stalked out of the room.
At first, I’m a little slighted that he reacted so harshly. But then the more I think about it, the more I begin to take offence to it. It wasn’t like I did anything wrong, or at least not really wrong. Some people don’t even shower before their Pap test, and that should be grounds for dismissal right there. I for one, I am very meticulous in my grooming before pap tests, a fact which I would think he would at least consider. Maybe what I did was a little wrong, that I’ll concede, but no one’s perfect. But still, I’m surprised he wasn’t a little more understanding of my situation. Perhaps it was all for the best. And besides, it’s not like Dr. Reeder’s the only doctor in the world, right? There’s other fish in the sea. And the least he could do is have trendier posters on his wall. Like for Lupus or that disease that Micheal J. Fox has, whatever that was again.

26 Weeks

Things are going well. Time seems to be really flying now! I can't believe I'm already headed into the third trimester- the final frontier. I'm getting excited, but it seems to be a more subdued excitement. I guess that's what happens with baby #3. We have some preliminary names picked out, are not 100% sure but so far we were thinking of Hunter for a boy and either Olivia or Bailey for a girl. Everyone seems to have an opinion as to the gender. There is only opinion which I really agree with, which is that "time will tell". Myself, I try not to speculate about the gender. We already have a boy and a girl, so either way it's all good. They posted my position today at work, so that was kind of weird. It was kind of bittersweet, and at first I wasn't sure why it should be saddening. But then, first off, these days just about anything is saddening-- doesn't take much when you're six months preggo. And secondly, I guess I just feel like so much of my identity and sense of self worth comes from that professional identity. Stepping outside of that, even temporarily, is somewhat sad. I feel like I'm leaving a little piece of myself behind. As much as I complain about work, I do find the job rewarding and interesting and, even at times, fun. I get to stick people with needles, come on. Who wouldn't love that? But I guess, when the time comes I think I will be more than ready to go. But even yesterday was wierd. I stayed home with Payton because she was sick (note to readers: when a three year old tells you their tummy hurts- NOT a good idea to pick them up and let them bury their head in your chest. Take it from me- this will lead to getting vomit down your shirt.) Anyways, she was sick so I was home. Gage was at school. And it was like, OK. 0730- breakfast. 0745- tidy kitchen. 0800- now what?? I'm used to rush, rush in the morning. Rush, rush, rush, when I get home from work. But I suppose I will settle into a routine soon enough and I guess when the baby is actually out I will be a whole lot busier.
Other things are going basically OK. Geoff and I have some recent conversations which have left me disturbed. The other day I asked him if he would still stay married to me if I accidentally killed the dog. He said, yeah, prob., because if it was an accident then he would not really hold it against me. And then I said "well, what if it was accidentally on purpose?" and he said "well, I guess it would sort of depend on what that means, exactly." So I said, "OK. Lets say that I slipped a ligature around JDs neck when she was asleep and tightened it until her eyes bulged out and she went completely flaccid" And he says that no, he basically would leave me if I did that and not only that but try to take the kids as well. And I said, well, that's not really fair. I mean, a dog is not a trade off for the kids? After all, a dog is only a dog, and it's basically easy come, easy come so far as that goes. But then he said something about killing animals being a sign of serious mental problems, and I was like, well, that's good to know because I saw you kill a squirrel once, which he claims was an accident- because it was on the highway when we were driving to the lake and it would have been dangerous to go into the othe lane to avoid it. But still. Some say there is no such thing as accidents. Or that's coincidences that they say that about. But for the most part coincidences are accidents and the two terms are interchangeable, so...
And then one day I asked the cat, Brady, if it was hard to be a cat, and she nodded. I told Geoff all about it, all excited that I had broken the cat down and established communication. But then he just dismissed it, like I was crazy or something. And then he accused me of lying! saying that cats don't nod and that I'm just 'seeing what I want to see'. Of all the nerve. I mean, isn't trust the foundation for a marriage? I read that somewhere, and I beleive it was a pretty good source- Cosmo maybe. So I guess our marriage may be all a big sham. I don't know.
Onto other matters. I have been most disturbed lately by the advertisment for "Baby Mama" starring one Ms Tina Fey, which is about a surrogate mother. Now, you may now that I have written a book on the subject, a book which I once believed to be a very novel and original idea. And now it's all over. They stole my idea and I blame THIS website for the thievery. I posted my ideas for my book, and even some of the book itself, on this site and it was one of my supposed fans who sold me down the river to Tina Fey and gave her the idea. So I am going to try to find out which one of you betrayed me, and once I do: make no mistake: I will slit your throat. Maybe not very deep, OK. In all likelihood, it will probably a fairly superficial cut. I don't want any jail time or anything. The idea of sodomy does not appeal to me. But still... whoever you are, and you KNOW who you are: be afraid.
Now you may think that I would learn from my mistake. But that is not really the case with me, I believe in just barreling ahead. So what I am going to do now is just go ahead and post the first chapter of my new book, which I have recently started writing, since my last book is basically a no go at this point, thanks in no small part to Tina Fey, AKA idea stealing WHORE. Anyways, thanks for reading. Good day. And for you out there, the turn coat yellow belly double crossing snake: a word of advice: Sleep with one eye open. Okay, that was five words. Anyways, that is all for now.