Thursday, November 19, 2009

Hotel Room Drama

So my husband, in all of his infinite wisdom, decides that to give me a break, he's renting a hotel room for the night. Which might have been all well and good, except that it involves the kids. And I have to say, from the very get go, I was not totally enthused. All I could think was of the logistics of having the baby sleeping in the same room as the rest of us, I mean, literally, unless we all fall asleep at precisely the same moment in time (and how could that happen, really?, short of spiking the Kool Aid?), all I could envision was chaos. So OK. The baby falls asleep first, presumably (hopefully) as his bedtime is 7:30pm. And then what?? We all sit there in the dark?? I mean, any light, any sound and he's awake again. And not only that. But guess who has to get all the kids packed? Who has to go to Superstore and buy Lil Swimmers. Who has to deal with three increasingly edgy kids all day waiting for a three o'clock check in. Who has to reroute nap schedules so that the kids will be well rested before we leave?
And then we get there and guess who gets to go in the water with the kids while my husband watches football leisurely in the bedroom?
And then, guess who has to go back to the room and be dressed and ready for "business casual" dinner at 5:30, with pool hair and pool make up?
And then who snored his head off all night while the rest of us tried to sleep?
My husband.
Momentarily there was a break in the snoring, and instead of being relieved, I sat bolt upright, fear and adrenaline pounding in my veins. I thought "Oh God- what if he's dead? Right here in this hotel room?? I mean for the love, if he's gonna go, couldn't he at least have the decency to do it in the privacy of our own home??
And then I got all excited and thought- Oooh, I can miss work next week.

You know your job sucks when....

And then he started snoring again, and I was like "Damn. Maybe I should just switch back to margarine instead of Becel. I don't know"
Just kidding. I was relieved that he was alive and all, but when the snoring started up again I almost wished...
well never mind.
I mean. Whatever.
And that, sadly, was our hotel room drama. A moment where I thought he may have been dead, subsequently had mixed feelings, and then went back to sleep.
And incidentally, don't ever ask your husband to buy you tampons. Inevetibly, you will end up with pads. And bulky ones at that. I think they think it's like buying a TV-- the bigger the better. But that principle doesn't apply.

But honestly, about work. Things are going down hill fast. When I first heard the words "adjuvanted" and "unadjuvanted" I could scarcely pronounce them. Now I toss the words around like Dom and Cristal (OK, not like I ever use the words 'Dom' or 'Cristal 'anyways. In my world it's more like Naked Grape and Baby Duck)-- I'm like "can we open another bottle of Adj. here, I'm running low on adj." I have them abbreviated to adj. and unadj.--the H1N1 vaccine lingo, cuz I'm down like that. I could seriously write a book called "Tales from the H1N1 flu clinic" but of course, I couldn't- because of libel, but if I could... I mean, I've seen it all. Kids hiding under chairs, trying to coax them out "I've got a lolly pop"-- but there ain't enough lolly pops in the world when you're coming at them with a needle, let me tell you. Adults passing out. Reactions that range from 'thank you very much' to swearing, cursing, crying and sobbing. You ask one simple question "Are you feeling well today" and some take this as an invitation to spew forth their entire medical history starting with thier first tendon repair back in nineteen sixty two? Or was it three? No, it would have had to be two. It was before we sold the trailer. And so on and so forth.

I quite honestly find myself fantasizing from time to time about some tragic life event that would get me out of my work responsibilities for the next four to six weeks. Like OK. How bad would it be to say- get hit by a bus? Enough to put me in a coma, but not a bad coma that causes death or paralysis or speech problems or anything untoward like that. Just a nice, temporary coma that I'll pull through after flu season. And maybe when I'm in a coma they'll see it fit to get caught up on all my dental work and give me breast augmentation, because of--- damage from the bus?? Is that asking for too much?? I don't think that it is.

Lately I have been considering whether or not to buy the Slap Chop. I have to say that I'm intrigued and impressed by what it can do on TV, it looks AMAZING, and not only that, but if you order now you also get the Graty, which would be nice. And to be able to chop a tomato so easy like that! Is there a really good way to dice a tomato? I don't know about you but every time I do it I just make a total mess. Like for all my efforts, I might do just as well to smash the blasted thing with a mallet. Tomato juice and seeds all over the place. So it seems like a good deal, but then I've sworn off Infomercial buys after I got that Omelet Express. They made it look so good- like you could make all these fancy things with it- desserts, crepes, omelette's, full meal even!! But then as it turns out, there's really only a certain amount of omelette's that a person can eat, and it's actually not as much as you might think. I can't remember, I think I paid forty bucks for it or some stupid thing like that by the time you pay the taxes and all, and then I used it like, twice, if that, and then I realized that it was a stupid thing to have bought in the first place. I mean, I don't even like omelette's.
Anyways, I will continue to consider it, the Slap Chop that is.
Have a good night.

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