Monday, April 18, 2011

Puking On The Side of The Road: The Downside of Lady's Night

This weekend was Lady's night at Candle Lake.
I was the girl with the sensible shoes. I felt at a distinct shoe disadvantage when we were preparing to leave. The other girls slipped into their stilettos, zipped up their knee length boots. I slipped my feet into my dingy flats. "I have to wear these shoes," I said in my defense. "I have corns on my feet."
Okay. That did not actually make me sound, look or feel any cooler. If anything, it made me feel less cool.
"You're wearing medicated shoes?"
"No. They're not medicated! I just have to wear flat shoes," I said, feeling defensive about it. Why did I have to wear these shoes? I asked myself? Or a pair of gray slacks?
Do I always have to be so practical?
Apparently, yes.

And yet, I was the one who ended up squatting in a ditch the next day, retching and heaving. The practical, sensible one. How did that happen? I don't really know.
But, apparently, an eighties cover band and cheap drinks will do that to me.
Now I know for next time.
Still, I couldn't believe it was happening to me.
Driving home, I began to feel queasy. The road seemed bumpier. It seemed curvier. Almost  roller coaster like. My stomach lurched. I put my head back, closed my eyes. That did not really help.
Nothing seemed to help.
Finally, I had to admit out loud what I did not want to admit to myself.
I was about to be sick.
"I think I'm going to be sick," I said.
"Should I stop?" My sister in law asked me, a note of panic in her voice.
I hesitated. "I think, maybe," I said.
That hesitation would cost me. I made it out of the car just in time. Even as I opened the door, a stream of pink vomit spewed forth. Then I stood at the side of the highway, which felt awkward. But I wasn't practiced at this roadside vomiting thing.
I need to lower my center of gravity, I thought, adopting a squatting position, which felt better.
Cars zoomed past, and I felt like--
well- like the kind of person who pukes on the side of the road.
Assholes, I told myself, as I wiped my mouth on my sleeve.
They don't know. I could be undergoing cancer treatment for all they knew. Gawk at people who are on cancer treatment much?? I asked them in my mind.
Of course, I wasn't on cancer treatment. But still.
That's not the point.
The point is not to judge people, or whatever.

Anyways, there was nothing sweeter than getting home and feeling the comfort of my bed. Or the comfort of having a toilet to hang my head on when I puked, for that matter.
I overheard my daughter on the phone. "My mom can't come to the phone right now," she said. "No. She's in bed because she had too much to drink at Lady's night and now she's been really throwing up a lot, and it's pretty bad. She can only eat crackers but then she puked those out."
I groaned and put a pillow over my head, only hoping that it was my mother and not someone ringing me up for a job interview or something.
She was pretty sweet about the whole thing, though. She patted me on the back when I was in bed. "Well," she said. "You're a nurse. You can look after yourself," she said as she left the room.

Anyways, to the makers of Gravol: you are rock stars with Tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Thanks to some heavy doses of Gravol I began to feel a lot better as the day went on. I even felt skinnier, too, which was nice. Even though, I noted, as I looked at my cracked, bloody lips in the mirror, dehydration isn't that sexy of a look.
So lessons learned from ladies night:
Next year- hotter shoes, less shooters.
Actually no shooters.
Just to be safe.


Lorrie said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! The reason you 'almost didn't make it' was because I, being the practiced highway puker, was trying to angle the van so that the passing cars couldn't see you!!
And you looked pretty...I did not mean to make you feel uncomfortable when I pointed out your wonky instep...Praise Jesus that you weren't wearing high shoes because you might have toppled right over!

mom said...

This one is one of your best....I really laughed out loud ....this deserved more than abbreviated LOL! Praiase Jesus again...U didnt puke in said sils van or on Jackie's !#@& Boots! the puking is worth it when u think about how u gals made my weekend and let me show you off to this community...Hope no one saw ya on the way home!!!

Tabitha said...

I think that pink puke was your mother's strawberry daquaries hey?

Lorrie said...

THAT'S why it was and Jackie looked at eachother a little nervous and said 'why is it florescent?' hahahahhahahahaha!

randine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
randine said...

I think maybe it was the Baja.
Or the fistful of Tylenol I swallowed when I woke up??

Either way, it really did look pretty!!

Kristy said...

Love the reference to Tiger Blood. Maybe it will make it in the urban dictionary one day? I am a sensible shoe kind of gal too.

tattytiara said...

The shoes were your downfall, my friend. When you're teetering in stilettos, there's no doubt about what level of inebriation you've reached. Those damn flat soles gave you a false sense of sobriety!

tattytiara said...

Oh, and "medicated shoes" totally cracked me up.

mom said...

"flat shoes give you a false sense of sobriety"!How wise..."splains alot!

Stephanie Faris said...

I remember in my mid-30s (just a few years ago, btw!) going out for New Years Eve with my friends, both in their 20s. They ridiculed me for wearing flats but an hour into the evening there they were in agony because of their shoes. I think as we get older we just learn from our youthful mistakes.