Yesterday I was writing about recent self discoveries, but then I realized afterwards that I have had some recent other discoveries. The main one is: you can't trust Lorrie. She looks sweet and innocent, but she's a LIAR.
Well, OK, you can trust her for the most part. She's actually a pretty good person, and I don't really want to alienate my most loyal reader by saying this. But she did lead me astray during a recent visit to the OBGYN. We met for lunch downtown, where, incidentally, I discovered something else about myself: I don't like tzasiki sauce. But anyways, we were going to look around at this and that, and then I wanted to go home and take a quick shower before the big PAP-eroo. But Lorrie says, she says, and I quote "Oh. Don't worry. They're not going to do a pap. It's just your first visit. All they're going to do is ask a bunch of questions." So then I trusted her.
Flash forward an hour later and I was sitting in a tiny exam room wearing a paper towel, waiting for a pap test. So I phoned her up, told her that I was in a dire situation. So she says "Just use the wet wipes on the end table." I was relieved to hear that was a Plan B. So I hung up and went to retrieve a wipe. Empty!!! So I phoned her back . "The tub is empty!" I said, panicked. I contemplated using soap from the soap dispenser, but she cautioned me against this, saying that it could leave a bubbly residue. So I was screwed. And to think that I had gone to all the trouble of buying new shoes, new stockings, a new shirt AND a new camisole special for the occasion. I had even bought breath mints. But now all of that was going down the toilet because I skipped the shower and surely she would know. It was a disaster. So next time, if Lorrie ever tells you that they won't do a pap test, don't believe her. Go home, shower, shave, make sure your pre pap routine is complete. She cannot be trusted in this regard.
The other thing I have discovered recently, which I report with some regret, is that my son Gage has now surpassed me in terms of political savy. He wanted to know who I would vote for in the election (they are doing a unit on it at school). At that precise moment a commercial came on for Lorne Calvert. So I said "I'll just vote for that guy. He seems nice." Gage was like "Mom, you can't vote for him." I was like "Why? He's not running?" And he says "Well he's running, but you have to vote for the candidate running in your riding?" And I was like "What do you mean?" And he said that if I wanted to vote Calvert that I would actually have to vote for Andy Iwanchuck, which seemed absurt to me, but I did some looking into it and dog gone if he isn't right about that. And then the other night an enemurator came to the door. He asked if I knew how I was going to vote, to which I replied "I'm still undecided," which sounded better than "I have about as much interest in this election as I do in dryer lint", which was what I was thinking. And actually, upon further thought, perhaps dryer lint is more interesting. I mean, where does it come from?? Bat back to the enumerator: Then my darling son materializes and chimes in "She doesn't know who to vote for. She doesn't even know who's running!!" I simply laughed teresely and reiterated that I was still undecided and had some thinking to do on the matter. I felt rather badly that my nine year old son seems to be more abreast of these things than I do, but I will defend myself by saying that he is technically almost ten. And it's not my fault because they don't talk a lot of politics on the shows that I watch-- Flip that House and Criminal Minds, so it's hard to stay informed. Anyways. Onto other matters.
Things with my husband are at a stand still. Last night he proposed that we should start using condoms. Condoms! Like I'm back in high school all over again. Honestly. I said I didn't want to use condoms. He said he doesn't want to have sex then. So now I am screwed, but not in the literal sense. Well, actually, I am because he decided after we had already had sex that he wanted to start using condoms. Now I didn't feel like getting into a big discussion at that point, but I guess there will be one coming at some point. It is getting harder to convince him. Last time we fought for about two days, and then finally I got my way, not because he really wants to have another baby but because he felt that he had to give in to me for the sake of our marriage. I don't know. I guess I can just poke holes in the condoms or something like that. I'll have to work something out. Will keep you posted on that situation.