Sunday, November 4, 2007

Other discoveries

Yesterday I was writing about recent self discoveries, but then I realized afterwards that I have had some recent other discoveries. The main one is: you can't trust Lorrie. She looks sweet and innocent, but she's a LIAR.
Well, OK, you can trust her for the most part. She's actually a pretty good person, and I don't really want to alienate my most loyal reader by saying this. But she did lead me astray during a recent visit to the OBGYN. We met for lunch downtown, where, incidentally, I discovered something else about myself: I don't like tzasiki sauce. But anyways, we were going to look around at this and that, and then I wanted to go home and take a quick shower before the big PAP-eroo. But Lorrie says, she says, and I quote "Oh. Don't worry. They're not going to do a pap. It's just your first visit. All they're going to do is ask a bunch of questions." So then I trusted her.
Flash forward an hour later and I was sitting in a tiny exam room wearing a paper towel, waiting for a pap test. So I phoned her up, told her that I was in a dire situation. So she says "Just use the wet wipes on the end table." I was relieved to hear that was a Plan B. So I hung up and went to retrieve a wipe. Empty!!! So I phoned her back . "The tub is empty!" I said, panicked. I contemplated using soap from the soap dispenser, but she cautioned me against this, saying that it could leave a bubbly residue. So I was screwed. And to think that I had gone to all the trouble of buying new shoes, new stockings, a new shirt AND a new camisole special for the occasion. I had even bought breath mints. But now all of that was going down the toilet because I skipped the shower and surely she would know. It was a disaster. So next time, if Lorrie ever tells you that they won't do a pap test, don't believe her. Go home, shower, shave, make sure your pre pap routine is complete. She cannot be trusted in this regard.
The other thing I have discovered recently, which I report with some regret, is that my son Gage has now surpassed me in terms of political savy. He wanted to know who I would vote for in the election (they are doing a unit on it at school). At that precise moment a commercial came on for Lorne Calvert. So I said "I'll just vote for that guy. He seems nice." Gage was like "Mom, you can't vote for him." I was like "Why? He's not running?" And he says "Well he's running, but you have to vote for the candidate running in your riding?" And I was like "What do you mean?" And he said that if I wanted to vote Calvert that I would actually have to vote for Andy Iwanchuck, which seemed absurt to me, but I did some looking into it and dog gone if he isn't right about that. And then the other night an enemurator came to the door. He asked if I knew how I was going to vote, to which I replied "I'm still undecided," which sounded better than "I have about as much interest in this election as I do in dryer lint", which was what I was thinking. And actually, upon further thought, perhaps dryer lint is more interesting. I mean, where does it come from?? Bat back to the enumerator: Then my darling son materializes and chimes in "She doesn't know who to vote for. She doesn't even know who's running!!" I simply laughed teresely and reiterated that I was still undecided and had some thinking to do on the matter. I felt rather badly that my nine year old son seems to be more abreast of these things than I do, but I will defend myself by saying that he is technically almost ten. And it's not my fault because they don't talk a lot of politics on the shows that I watch-- Flip that House and Criminal Minds, so it's hard to stay informed. Anyways. Onto other matters.
Things with my husband are at a stand still. Last night he proposed that we should start using condoms. Condoms! Like I'm back in high school all over again. Honestly. I said I didn't want to use condoms. He said he doesn't want to have sex then. So now I am screwed, but not in the literal sense. Well, actually, I am because he decided after we had already had sex that he wanted to start using condoms. Now I didn't feel like getting into a big discussion at that point, but I guess there will be one coming at some point. It is getting harder to convince him. Last time we fought for about two days, and then finally I got my way, not because he really wants to have another baby but because he felt that he had to give in to me for the sake of our marriage. I don't know. I guess I can just poke holes in the condoms or something like that. I'll have to work something out. Will keep you posted on that situation.


Lorrie said...

Har de har har. I am not offended but in my defence...usually they DO have wipe things and I'm sure she was so bedazzled by your new digs she didn't even notice 'down there' except for the fact that she had to poke her face in it. ANNNNNDDDD you failed to mention that you left your black knee high hose on...that would take any attention away from 'downtown'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also...tell Mr. Gager that Aunty is well informed from watching 5 minutes of the leader's debate and will be voting with knowledge on her side and not for who looks best in a suit! Haha!!!!!!!!!!
Tell your hubby that if he can wear a c*ndom (your poor mother's ears) then you get to pick WHERE he wears it!!!!!! At least you can poke him a breathing hole.

Lorrie said...

If you're still checking my friend are the LIAR (as you referred to me in this post) because your last statement says you'll keep us posted and I for one do NOT feel posted.