Well, the flu crisis is over, but now we are in the midst of another one. Our family is preparing for a visit with mother. She is coming to town tomorrow, with the intention of situating herself here for a day or possibly more. I have been busily editing my cupboards and fridge, replacing my Percocet bottles with multivitamins, and removing anything that she would disprove of, which is leaving me with scarcely anything at all. I can hear her now. "Full fat milk? Dear, it's no wonder you're hips are as wide as a bus." "Cap'n Crunch? You can't possibly dream of feeding these to the children. Mrs. Gossen down the road feeds them to her kids and they all had to get TA's, and the oldest boy is on Ritalin now, and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with it or now, but he's also cross eyed."
Also, I am in the middle of painting Paytons room. The pink color it was has gone from sweet to garhish really quickly, so I am now painting it "Habitat" which is basically like green, I guess. Painting hasn't been bringing out the best in me. It's so nice when you have children there to keep you company. Payton likes to ask a lot of questiosn. "Why are you putting tape on that?" "Why did you move that stool over there?" "Why did you put my dresser like that?" And there I am, sweating and painting and entertaining the children. And then my dear, sweet husband saunters in, scratching his ample belly, and asks me "So, did you buy that self freezing ice cream? The kind that just puts itself back in the freezer?" I mean. I could have killed him. I put down the paint brush, and was like "Fine. I'll go put it away if it's such a big f***ing deal" and he's like "well, no it's not a big deal. I already put it away. I was just joking. Grab a sense of humor."
Can you believe that?? Can you believe the nerve??. Made me so mad. He takes the time to interrupt me to tell me something completely frivolous. I didn't put the ice cream away. OMG. I mean, could you imagine if I did that to him every time he forgot to do something around here. I'd phone him on the way to work. "Geoff, did you buy those self cleaning towells? The kind that put themselves in the laundry hamper after you discard them all over the bathroom floor? And then put themselves into the washing machine?? And then fold themselves back up and climb up into the shelf." I'd wake him up at six in the morning. "Did you buy that self replacing milk carton?? The kind that fills itself back up when you live it in the fridge with one sip left in the bottom?" I'd phone him when he's in the middle of a meeting. "Geoff, did you buy those self washing dishes? The kind that just wash themselves when you put them in the sink?" And where would his sense of humor be then?? Oh, I can just picture him laughing robustly on the other end of the phone. "Oh, that's a funny one!! Do another one!! Call me back." Like Frick. Grab a sense of humor??? How about you grab a fricking clue??? All right. Dude. I have a sense of humor, and I have it good, all right. In fact, if my sense of humor was even a little bit bigger or better- look out, because you would be in trouble. Trouble from laughing.
Speaking of laughing I just submitted another story to one Readers Digest magazine, featuring my Payton. This will be the third. They do not seem to be accepting my stories, but the good news is that I might be the winner of a really big sweepstakes, so...
Anyways. This latest story is so funny. If they don't publish it I'm going to go down there myself to talk to whoever is in charge. You tell me if you think this story is funny or not. And then I'll have proof for my pending lawsuit. Here it is. So I lost my watch and it was gone for a while. Payton found it and brought it to me. "But it's broken," she told me. I looked at it and said that it seemed fine. "No," she said. "Look at it! All it does is go around in circles!!" Oh, I had a good laugh. I was like "but that's what it's supposed to do." But she didn't really believe me. Cute. God I want that two hundred dollars for that story. I can feel it burning a hole into my pocket right now.
And speaking of which, I have a financial dilemna. I was in Calgary last week, where I was smitten with the soap dispenser in the guest bathroom. It dispenses foam!! You only have to put in a little bit of soap, and then you fill the rest with water!! Tap water!! Oh, the money you could save!! You would use so much less soap!! And not to mention the environmental you know... that whole green movement, what do you call it??
So I went online and found the soap dispensers and was shocked to discover that they are twenty dollars each. And I need three of them. And then there's the shipping and handling, we're looking at about a hundred dollars. So it's like should I spend a hundred dollars to save four or five dollars on soap??
Of course, the answer is YES. I mean, it would pay off. Eventually.