Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Coast Is Clear

All right. The coast is clear. The hen has flown the coop- which is code for my mother has gone. It has taken me some time to recover from her visit. It wasn't all bad, but it was bad enough. Every time she would go into the fridge or cupboards to retrieve something, she would make a major production out of it, clanging things around ("Now what on EARTH is that doing in THERE??) muttering and sighing heavily under her breath- the words "major overhaul" clearly audible even from the living room. She kept on popping Claritin, stating that they made her feel groggy but those "damn cats...take after you, don't know when to keep their legs shut and quit reproducing" I think I saw her kick one of them under the table, although she claims it was just a twitch. She threw the Childrens Chewables down the drain, saying that she saw on CNN that they cause cancer (like everything else these days)- which first of all, I know isn't true because I have never seen her watch anything on TV except for Young and The Restless and ETalkNow--- but, anyways, that aside, she goes on to say that the children simply would not need them at all if they ever saw a green leafy vegetable or two. Every time I nursed Alex she turned away in disgust, advising me to "cover myself" and that, further, "I'm not a cow and he's not a calf!!" and to "cut the cord, already" and that "a little bit of formula never killed anyone."

I think the crown jewel was when she took my vacuum to the shop saying that, clearly, given the state of my floors, it isn't functioning properly. The repairs cost over three hundred dollars, to which I said that I might have simply purchased a new vacuum. She says that my cavalier attitude towards household appliance selection is a major part of my problem as a wife- that a vacuum is one of the most important investments a woman can make! And that if I spent a little more time cleaning and a little less time on my "silly writing hobby" it would probably do a lot of good in my marriage (a clean house is a happy house!!) and also, the children wouldn't have perpetually snotty noses- which they don't- but you can't argue with her. You simply can't.

Anyways, as I said. It is over and now we can move on.

I was looking back at some of my older entries, and I do owe an apology to my reading audience. Some of these entries have absolutely atrocious grammar and spelling. I want to clarify one in particular- In "The best of Both Worlds" the words "Diary Queen" should actually read "Dairy Queen". I hope I didn't cause too much confusion over that, although I am pretty sure that I did- I mean, how could it not?? I am shocked that certain (ah- hem) anal retentive, A-Type personality, grammar sticklers weren't all over that one. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. You know who you are. Supposed editor in chief, my ass. More like editor asleep.


So the other day I was sitting around watching Oprah (The McCanns- so sad. What a tragedy.), when I get a knock at the door. These people are going door-to-door promoting their new security systems. I wasn't really interested. But nonetheless, I find them pushing their way through me and into the house, suddenly inspecting everything "What about that window? How secure is it? Does it have motion sensors covering it? Or just glass break sensors" "Ya, this is no good over here, a person could easily gain entry. Flimsy locks. Do the windows have bars on them? Or just standard locks?? What about the basement windows?" And I'm thinking "OMG. These guys are totally burglars casing the house out to burgle it later. I mean, anyone can put on a blue Tshirt that says APX Secure Tech and get a plastic badge made up, can't they?? And true, they don't look exactly like burglars would- one has white hair and glasses, is probably pushing sixty, the other is trim and fit, nice looking, very clean cut and smelling faintly of... something... expensive and alluring. But then again, what do I expect burglars to look like?? Big, bumbling goons with pantyhose on their heads and loot bags slung over their shoulders with a big dollar sign on them a la Flinstones style, laughing mischeviously and salivating over the TV while rubbing thier fingers together?? Their comments trouble me a bit "That's a nice TV up here, what's the size- fifty inch" I was like "No, no. Forty seven only, I'm afraid. The guy across the street's TV is much, much bigger. I can literally watch his TV from my living room window, no joke. And I think it has Wi-Fi, whatever that is." Still they didn't seem impressed. The just continued sweeping the house, taking notes on every weak entry point. What, precisely, they planned on doing with my Ocean Wonders Aquarium, Exercausers, various Arthur DVDs, and Disney Princess toys when they burgled the house, I couldn't be sure. But obviously there's a market for the stuff. Literally, I probably do not own one single piece of jewelry or... anything. But that may all be about to change. Mothers Day is just around the corner. Wink wink. I'm sure he has something HUGE planned. But it doesn't do well to speculate. Ruins the surprise.
Ya. I'll be surprised all right. But not in a good way.
Carrying on.

But it all turned out fine, despite my fears. My house hasn't been burgled. Yet. Although I wouldn't say the crisis is over. My new alarm system seems to be working out well. It's totally cool- it's like Onstar- they talk to you!!! And it can be used as an intercom!! Also- the whole security aspect of it.

So- Dentist report. Gage has one cavity. Payton has three. Again. I will not, will not, no matter what, give Alex apple juice. That stuff is liquid sugar. Last time they filled Paytons cavities without needing to put any freezing in, but these ones I guess, will need to be frozen, as they are in between the teeth. So I don't know how that will go. They're going to try some laughing gas. Hopefully they will give me some as well. I'm really nervous about it already. Poor girl. And it's all my fault. Entirely my fault. If only I had followed a good diet- carrot sticks, legumes, water to drink- no juice. Not even milk. Just soy powder on her cereal.

And now. Airmiles Report. 85. Much lower than I thought. That's not going to get me very far, will it?? That is disturbing. This is taking a long time. I thought I would have LOADS by now. I won those ten, right?? And then yesterday was customer appreciation day at Safeway and I got ten times the airmiles. You would think I would have gotten a hundred right then and there. Hmmm. I shall have to ponder some ways that I can get some more air miles.

Anyways, I guess I shall be going now. This Air Miles development has left me sullen and sulky.


Lorrie said...

I totally picked up on the "Diary Queen" but didn't want to drag you through the coals as I knew you were probably already publicly humiliated!
I totally gazed into security man's eyes when he came by...if it was the same dude. I was all 'realllllllyyyyy, it does ALL that' whilst twirling my hair...then Trent came up beside me and said 'we're not's suppertime'. Felt bad for the poor guy since most people don't consider 4:00 supper.

Lorrie said...

Apparently I TOTALLY love the phrase 'totally'.

randine said...

Yea, I think it was the same dude. Gage even commented on his good looks, and I was like "ya, that's probably half the reason we got the stupid thing' and he was like 'more like the only reason'. That must be thier gimmick. Send good looking guys out in the middle of the afternoon when all of us little old housewives are all by our lonesome "Can I invite you and serve you some lemonade? It looks awful hot out there?" Of course, not everyone consideres eleven degrees THAT hot, but it can feel a lot warmer, depending on how the sun is positioned.