Monday, January 4, 2010

The vaccuum whisperer.

Last night I went to my bedroom to find a bag of popcorn spilled all over my carpet.
I tell Geoff, "Did you realize that the kids dumped the popcorn all over our floor?'
"Oh Ya," he replies. "I just wasn't sure what to do about it."
Wasn't sure what to do about it? Like OK. I see the complexity of the problem here. Actually, no, not really. I don't. I mean, you get the vaccuum cleaner and you vaccuum it up. Right?? I mean, here's Geoff, who, using some kind of a math formula can discern the PRECISE amount of potatoes to cook for a group of thirty five adults, or insert any number (that's not such a useful skill, in the scheme of things), who can calculate any amount would come to with and without taxes without using a calculator (I don't even honestly think I could do that WITH a calculator, for Petes sake), who can draw up a map of a room and figure out a complicated seating arrangement that rotates every ninety minutes to maximize profits, and yet he can't figure out what to do about the popcorn.
I assume that it might have more to do with the fact that the World Juniors are on right now and less do do with a lack of problem solving skills.

So I drag out the vaccuum cleaner and start to vaccuum. Which creates sort of a reverse suction and starts blowing the popcorn around even worse than before, maybe, MAYBE, sucking up a kernel or two at a time, and so I persist in this endeavor, thinking that eventually it might get me somewhere.
But no. After a few minutes the room looks even worse than before. The popcorn kernels have blown out even more spread apart than before, encircling an ever widening perimeter, and seemingly have multiplied.
"Did you realize that the vaccuum cleaner doesn't work?" I asked Geoff.
"Well ya, that's why I didn't know what to do about the popcorn situation."
Deep sigh.
"Well can't it be fixed?" I asked Geoff.
He looked at it. Turned it over and looked at the bottom of it. Ran his finger along the wheels.
"I doubt it," he concluded, resolutely. "Motors probably shot."
I was like "What the frick are you, the vaccuum whisperer? I mean how could you possibly tell that the motor is shot just from looking at the bottom of it and poking at it?"

So, a few minutes later and there I was, surrounded by vaccuum cleaner parts, a fan belt and a huge pile of dust and debris from inside the vaccuum, a baby on my lap, who concluded over and over again that the vaccuum was "boke", a glass of white wine in my other hand and my one lonely tool- the Philips screw driver. Using a broom stick I removed a giant clog that was part sock/part cat hair/part EW. I had fixed the vaccuum.
Except for the small matter that as it turns out, vaccuums are quite a bit harder to put back together than they are to take apart.

So Geoff came in and helped me sort it out. Eventually we got that thing going again and the popcorn cleaned up. I felt satisfied. Until I went to crawl into bed and realized that there was juice spilled all over it.
At least I hoped it was juice. The amber color made me a little uncertain.
I put my nose to it, took a long sniff but couldn't make a conclusive decision on it. Based on the position of it, close to the head of the bed, I was pretty much confident that it WAS juice- had to be juice- because how could one pee right where the pillow should be? Although the fact remained, it sure as hell didn't smell like juice, not any juice that I ever drank anyways. Confused and perplexed, I changed the sheets without asking too many questions.
Finally I laid down, comfy at last. And really, it had to be juice, I told myself... there's no one even in my house that would pee the bed... I just want to make that clear because I'm already known on this blog as 'the girl with the dead mice in the kitchen'- which I have to stress was a one off- and I don't want to also be known as 'the girl who sleeps on pee'.
Other than that, not much is new with me. Life is great.
In closing, I would like to suggest to you, after spending much time this holiday season watching TV movies, and this is just a random peice of advice that I'm putting out, so take it or leave it: but honestly, be very leery of any movie that lists Rhea Perlman as the star.
That's all for now.
Although I will say that Matilda was actually pretty OK.
Have a good day.

1 comment:

Lorrie said...

Oh my god...I won't even use that STUPID abreviation OMG...I was air laughing like an old man throughout this post!
I was like those annoying people you mentioned at the theatre...anticipating the follies to follow because I knew...I just KNEW that that damn vaccuum was broken before you even told me *guffaw, guffaw, hyuck*!!!!!!!!!!