Thursday, November 18, 2010

Strange Entrance Paths

I'm slightly nervous about some of the traffic that my blog gets.
All traffic is good traffic.
At least, that's what I thought.

That was before I found out that someone googled "How to get rid of blood spatter on jeans" and ended up spending seven minutes on my blog.
A possible- nay, probable, murderer has been on this blog.
Maybe more than once. I feel sort of vaguely threatened by this.

The phrase "Carrying my boss's baby" has also brought traffic.
I bet they were disappointed to read that that has basically nothing to do with this blog. In fact, I'm not sure where, if at all, it even says that anywhere on here, except for the fact that it's the vague plot promise for Having Grace, maybe it's mentioned somewhere, I don't know.
I feel kind of bad for this person, pregnant with her boss's baby and looking for advice, and coming up with this- where the landing page was "Fun with Condoms."
That probably only made her feel worse.
And I thought about reaching out and trying to give some advice to someone in such a situation- but honestly- I don't really know what to say. Carrying your boss's motherfucking baby? Really? Really?
Dude. You're screwed.
Literally. Figuratively. Everything.

And four people have apparently found this blog by googling "Flirting, Pizza Delivery"
I have a feeling that they were probably disappointed when my page loaded.

Anyways. Google really does hate me. This is what it sends me for traffic: fornicators and possible (probable) murderers- because I don't care what you say- if you have blood spatter on your clothes and you're googling how to get rid of it, you're a murderer.
I've watched CSI, I know this much is true.
What I'll have to do is make the title of my blog posts less sinister sounding. Although, in retrospect "Whips, Chains and Blood Spatter" wasn't a really good name for a blog post, and I could see how it could misrepresent the blog and attract an unsavory element.
Ditto for "Fun with Condoms"
Come to think of it, I'm even starting to question "Strange Entrance Paths"

But it's not all bad news with Analytics.
Two visits from NYC, which makes me, of course, wildly speculative that it's an agent.
Of course, according to the same statistics, I've also had 17 visits from Latvia.
So it could be a coincidence.
Most likely it is.
But a girl can dream.
It will give me something warm and fuzzy to think about as the temperatures her plummet. I woke up this morning to a city blanketed in snow, pretty- yes, but a bitch to drive in. Although, I like the term I heard on the radio this morning- "It's not a blizzard," the overly cheerful announcer said as I spun my wheels trying to get through an intersection. "It's called- getting slizzered."
Well, I don't know what slizzered means, but I like it. It felt kind of right, somehow.
I wonder what kind of traffic that will bring.

Well, whoever you are, wherever you are, reading this: thanks for visiting. Even if you did just click on it because you thought maybe it was porn.
I mean, hey, we've all been there.
Okay, not really, but still....
We don't judge.
Well, we try not to.
And to the murderers out there: I do know how to get blood spatter off of jeans. Saline solution. If you contact lens solution that will work. You pour it on the spatter liberally, blog, rinse, repeat, then launder as usual and it should be good as new.
I only hope that my advice is timely enough.


Lorrie said...

Hey, I STILL keep visiting hoping for porn! Or at least a nipple shot like at the magic show, hahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahaha!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thatza my Girls! YOY! Have I learned them anything?

nikki said...

Well...since I know what this blog is about, when I do finally murder Jay and google how to get the blood out of my jeans...I won't click on your link! Really though...I will probably be googling how to get blood out of your pjs! Jeans...what, am I the queen now?!?
And while we are on the subject, could you include some porn?!?! I live in pajamas...Im not getting as much action as you all think I am!! Haha

Creepy Query Girl said...

lol- I still haven't figured out how to see that stuff but I'd probably stumble upon some disturbing query's too!