Friday, October 1, 2010

Creative Sleuthing

Whether or not Geoff is having an affair remains to be seen.
He's acting guilty.
He offered to take the kids out tonight- to clean his car and to get movies and snacks, so that I could have a moment to myself, to 'catch my breath' after being so busy all week with work, and the kids- because Geoff's so called "work schedule" has had him out of the house every night this past week.

He came home about an hour later, the kids rushing in the door, excitedly displaying movies and Slurpies and a jumbo bag of Ketchup chips.
Geoff followed behind them, with a lot less enthusiasm. He threw his keys on the counter with a loud thud.
"How was the movie store?" I asked, though I could tell by his defeated, slightly slumped posture that the answer was 'not well.'
"Don't EVER take Alex to the movie store," came his answer.
I stifled a laugh.
"No. I'm being serious. They didn't ban us this time, but they might the next. All he does is run around and knock every movie off the shelf. I had to go around behind him and pick them all up. They were all in a big jumble and I put them back at random. I think the people working there were getting annoyed.
He handed me a movie "Looking For Eric."
"I didn't have time to read the back. It was one that Alex grabbed when he was heading for the door, so I paid for it and left. I think it's about a postmaster in Manchester."
"Oh," I said. "A postmaster. That's kind of- a nice change of pace, I guess."
Usually he picks movies that have crime tape on the front and/or a pissed off looking cop reaching for his holster.
Usually it's Denzel Washington.

Anyways, at first I thought "Wow, that's great that he took the kids out!"
But then I thought: A guilty conscience, perhaps??

Naturally, I plan on investigating the matter further.
The most logical next step, of course-and this should go without saying but I'll say it anyways-  is to go to his work and follow him around, crouching and hiding behind tables or pressing myself real thin against the wall like I see them do on Law and Order whenever they're about to do a drug bust.
Lucky for my mother, who pointed out the flaw in my plan.
I need to go incognito.
A disguise!
I'm thinking of something with a tall, maybe flowery hat and a pair of really big sunglasses.
He'll never recognize me. (Actually, knowing my husband- he truly might not.)
I might even pose as a customer, and chat up some of the waitresses, try to needle them for information.
"So what do you think of the manager around here? Are there any-ahem- rumors circulating about him??"

And if it's at all possible, I wouldn't mind to try to get a urine sample from Sasha to do a pregnancy test.
It should be relatively simple to follow her to the bathroom, from there it might be a little tricky.
Perhaps I could even suggest that I was a building inspector, and I need to take a sample from the staff to see if they have mold in their system, although I wonder if mold would really be excreted in the pee, but hopefully no one else will question that. If they do, I could always direct them to a bogus website that I could create tonight. I can see it now. "www.httpy://MOLDFACTS.CA/ ( not a link, do not click- this is not an actual website. Yet.)
Fact#1: Mold is harmful and can easily grow in damp places like commercial kitchens, etc.
Fact#2:Mold can be excreted in pee.

I think I'll have to think up a few more facts, but otherwise I think it should work pretty good.
Plus, if I talk in a British accent, I'll sound really official.
Except that my British Accent is more Scottish meets Drunken Sailor meets Apu from the Simpsons.

Oh well, I'm sure that it will all work out.
The good news is that Sophie Kinsella has a new book out!
I almost hyperventilated today when I went to Superstore and just so happened to walk through the book aisle, and there I saw it "Mini Shopoholic"
And it was 40% off.
Breathe, I told myself. In through the nose and out through the mouth.
I never buy books in hardcover, because they're so expensive, and I find them awkward to read. But for Sophie, I make the exception.
And like my friend Bex would say, it's 40% off, so I'm actually saving a load of money in the long run, and it'll pay for itself eventually, and if you look at twenty whatever dollars divided by 400 whatever pages, that's only cents a page! (I think, I'm not very good at math). At that price, I'd be stupid not to buy it.
And like my other friend Suze Orman says, can I afford not to buy it??
The melancholy that will ensue? The persistent vegetative state- knowing that that book is out there??
At this point, I feel sort of like some bloke who just spent his last dollar on some two bit whore.
I'm anxious, bursting, really to tear right into it.
And then I have this other, simultaneous, urge to slow it down, make it last.
Sophie Kinsella doesn't put out books every day.
Anyways, having said that, I  really must go. To read. And create decoy websites and order flower hats from Ebay...
Have a good weekend!!


momma said...

Incognito!...Yes U will catch him red handed...May I also suggest setting a TRAP? Dr. Phil would plant a BEAUTIFUL woman in the lounge... she woulf flirt, and such, see if he bites the "Apple"
If u havent founf the flower hat-Might I suggest the all in one glasses, nose and mustache ( THEN , AGAIN.. HE MIGHT THINK U R DAD!)..bE CAREFUL, WHICH EVER APPROACH U USE!


Lorrie said...

I haven't bought a book in about 4 years...I just wait for you to and then I steal them. And trust me...I DO emit an evil laugh after you leave. "HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA, foiled again my friend, you won't see this book AGGGGGGGGAAAAAIIIINNNN!!!!!!!".
And then I don't read them.
If T is cheating with someone at work at least it's a balding, pudgy, 40-something man!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Why Must u have weekends off? I have Blog withdrawl? I Hope U R Happy!!!from; The woman who carried u for NINE LONG months and delivered You!!!! OYE a little thanks.... maybe.... OYE OyE OYE......Dont even ask what has driven me to drink....Don't worry about me.. I have lotsa cleaning, cooking and baking to do as you have invited your family here for Thanksgiving--The turkey doesnt just bake itself, the beds dont just get made, and those kids dont behave unless I learm 'em ... anyways gotta go---I Don't have weekends OFF!!

Lorrie said...

I actually invited my fam as well so could you make sure you bleach every bleachable boys LOVE bleach!

mom said...

By the By---R u bringing that cheating low down son of a biscuit , so called husband with u---We want family fotos---I guess he still is in THIS family!

randine said...

You guys! This is not the forum to discuss our plans for the weeekend!!
This is about ME and my crisis.

nikki said...

I don't even think you need to spy. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it is clear that he is cheating. Those text messages said it all. I say get to the lawyers and pull the rug out from under that cheating son of a bitch!!!!!