Saturday, August 18, 2007

Wating for the ax to fall...

First day of holidays today. It should be exciting for me, but I find myself feeling rather melancholy. Maybe it's just the weather. I don't know. Maybe my pregnancy hormones are starting to kick into high gear and make me weepy. Maybe it's just the stress of the last few weeks. I spend my days basically just feeling like I'm waiting for the ax to fall, and almost hoping that it will. My HCG on Wednesday was 5500, which represented the highest increase yet. I was actually pretty pumped about it, because the whole time I was waiting for the results I just had this really bad feeling that it was going to go down. "This is going to be the day that it goes down", I kept thinking, bracing myself for the news.But it continues to go up. And on the one hand I can tell myself that as long as I'm not having any bleeding, cramping or spotting, and my numbers are going up, I should treat this as a normal pregnancy and not fret about it. However, a quick search on the internet proves that slow doubling times for HCG is generally indicitive of either an ectopic pregnancy or a failing intrauterine pregnancy. My doctors clipped tones are subtly suggestive of the fact that she herself is not overly optimistic, either. She's pretty vague about things, using words like 'concerning' and 'worrisome' when discussing my results but never out right saying what the chances are. She also made a point of saying that if I start bleeding or spotting I should call her immediately. And then she went on to suggest that if I miscarry again they may be able to give me some kind of treatment during my next pregnancy to reduce the risk- progesterone injections or something. It's kind of cold comfort for me because I'm really just counting on this pregnancy being OK. I don't know if Geoff would go for another one. In fact, I'm nearly certain that he won't. He's already relented to trying "one more time" three times, which is more than fair. To make matters worse for me, I'm feeling particularly vulnerable because Geoff is working more than ever now and I feel so stessed out and it sometimes seems the kids are crushing me- figuratively speaking. I would love a little breathing room, but it doesn't seem that that's anywhere in the near or distant future for me. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. But it's so maddening that I'm going through this AGAIN. Why can't things just be normal for me?? Perhaps they still will be but I'm sick of waiting to find out. My doctor is going to call and try to book an ultrasound for sometime next week- as I'm not scheduled until the 28th. The ultrasound is a cause for both excitement and fear. I'm excited to be able to find out if everything is OK but I'm scared because I don't know if I can take more bad news. But I guess I don't have a choice. Will let you know how the ultrasound goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me./

1 comment:

vsorowski said...

Fingers, toes, arms. legs, and eyes are Xed!!! I hate that this is so stressful, if you would prefer, instead of coming to the lake with the kids next wk, I'll just take them for a few days and you can have"ME" time---Sometimes it is very good for us women! Love you and always here for ya, Just ask!, Mama