Friday, August 6, 2010

On Writing, Part Two (AKA- But Stephen King has a Penis, Yo.)

I was originally going to write this as a reply to Joanns' comment (Joann's blog, BTW, is super hilarious. She had me at the title: Laundry Hurts My Feelings. Oh, how it hurts my feelings, too. Actually, it doesn't just hurt my feelings. It made me its bitch in prison.) about men not knowing dick about writing like a woman, but then I thought it would be too long winded. On top of that, I feel it rightly deserves its own post.

I had the exact same thoughts about Steve's advice on writing. In fact, I toyed with the idea of calling the post "But Stephen King has a Penis, Yo." but then thought better of it because a) I'm not sure if Blogger will let me use the word 'penis' in a title, b) even if they do, I feel a little self conscious about doing so and c) ultimately I decided that I didn't want to come across as one of those people that feels enslaved by their gender, or like I was making excuses for myself and d) I wondered if Steven King might sue me. So I called it "On Writing" and left it at that.

As far as a) goes: I guess we're about to find out if Blogger will let me use "penis" in a title. As for d) if Stephen King does decide to sue me: jokes on you, Steve. The only thing I have of any value is a frying pan that looks like a robot and can boil water in sixty seconds.

But anyways.
It's a great book. Don't get me wrong. In fact, I told my husband just this evening that I think I would marry Stephen King if I had the chance. Even though I know he's already married to Tabitha. But still.
He's awesome. But he does possess a definitively male viewpoint on writing.  When he describes his daily schedule (writing 2000 words each morning, "naps and letters" in the afternoon, and relaxing and revisions in the evening) I noted with some irritation the glaring absence of several items that consume most of my days.
Pesky but time consuming things like:

-meal preparation three times a day
-grocery shopping
-planning your six year old's up coming birthday (My Little Pony themed, apparently)
-taking your kid to their third dental appointment this week
-unloading the dishwasher. Again.
-washing the floors
-cleaning up the pool of urine your proudly gotchy clad toddler is standing in (which, incidentally, I had to do three times today.)
-bath time
-that endless stretch of time called 'bed time'
-taking your cat for her annual shots
-looking for a half an hour for your daughters favorite Barbie
-trying, in vain, to tackle the ever present mountain of laundry
-taking your kids school supply shopping
-taking your kids to the spray park just because it's kind of nice to see your children splashing in the sun-- the way the sunlight plays on the beads of water that rolls down their face, the way they smell damp but sweet like sunscreen afterwards, the way their laughter is so uninhibited.
-Giving your reluctant dog a bath after she rolled in crap
-Scouring out the bathtub after giving said dog a bath
-Bathing your two year old after he stepped in the crap that the dog rolled in. (Yes, this is my real life. It's awesome.)
-and then of course, as if that weren't enough: work forty hours a week outside of the house to contribute to the household income.

Two thousand words a day sounds not merely difficult, but also, possibly, indulgent for those of us that possess, as my Aunt Becky would delicately put it, hamburgers instead of hot dogs.
Anyways, thanks Joann, for validating my feelings on that subject.
And as always, thanks for reading.
And PS- Lorrie, I liked your comment, too. THANK YOU for your constant comments. You never let me down.


Joann Mannix said...

I was doing my usual check the blogs before I go to bed routine and I saw your headline and I was, "Yup, she gets it."

Thank you, first, for that awesome shout out. That was totally cool. But it is so true, Stephen has a penis and therein lies the difference. He talks about his amazing wife and how she not only encouraged him, but made sure he had a peaceful environment when writing. I would think something was seriously wrong if that sort of accommodating behavior ever happened in my world. And even though his penis gives him the inability to have a clue, I still love his book. I think it's one of the best books on writing out there.

And do not worry about Blogger. I have called them every name in the book, because I HATE THEIR ASSES SO MUCH! Nothing phases them. This week, I'm calling them my GEEK BITCHES. I get nothing from them, BLOGGER I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU. So, I can vouch to my kids that negative attention gets you nowhere. HATE Blogger, but i loved your post.

Thanks again for the shout out. You made my night. Sweet dreams.

Lorrie said...

I totally hope Stephen googles his own name + penis and runs across this blog!
I also love blog shout outs and believe you me, have been keeping count haha...I think I outnumber Nikolai by like 5! Can't wait to see my name in your first printed novel's dedication page...right before God but after J.D.!

nikki said...

Whoa...what am I , chopped liver?!? I still don't understand that saying!! It's really gross!
I think you are quite possibly the busiest person I know. I am supposed to do all the stuff you do (minus the nursing job...although, I could try but I don't think that would go over very well), and I still can't manage. I've basically decided to let my house go to hell until Liam goes back to school! What is the point of this cleaning and laundry every day, day after day!!! I can't take it anymore!
BTW...I googled my own name and guess what? It comes up from one of your blogs! Yah...Im relevant on the world wide web! Whoop, whoop!