Friday, June 11, 2010

Which pitch??

All right, reader participation day.
I have been sending out query letters to agencies with disappointing results. I have revised it to play up the rom-com angle (that's romantic comedy for those of you not in the biz. Not that I'm in the biz, either. I'm so far out of the biz that I'm...well, actually I'm not sure where I was going with that particular metaphor. But you get the point. Anyways.)
Let me know which version you like better:
Pretend you are at a book store reading the back cover of a book. Which pitch appeals to you most:

Pitch A

Dear (Agent),

A flutist, a mediator and a controversial birth plan figure into this plot about a young woman who acts as a surrogate mother for her boss. Kristina Hoffman, 23, finds herself wading in a mountain of credit card debt after a break up with her fiance. Her boss, surly and tempermental Cynthia Jacobson is facing a crisis of her own: infertility. When Kristina learns of her boss's desire to hire a surrogate, she ponders the question: what's a mere forty weeks in the scheme of things?

As she learns, forty weeks can be a long time indeed.
Cynthia, difficult at the best of times becomes all out neurotic in the role of mom to be: demanding a coffee ban, strict bed rest, random drug screens and a natural childbirth.
And then when Mr. Right enters the picture at precisely the wrong point in time, it begs the question: can true love really conquer all. Even an ever expanding waist line and extreme irritability?

Having Grace, a romantic comedy, is complete at 80,000 words and available upon request.
Thank your for your time.


Pitch B

Kristina Hoffman, 23, is single and pregnant by choice. Spending most of her days either vomiting or in bed, or a combination of both, she isn't exactly looking for romance. But romance comes looking for her when sweet and sexy PhD candidate Devon Miller moves in next door. Initially, she is forced to to stand on the sidelines and remain "just friends" while watching (and sometimes hearing) his blossoming relationship with sculpted yoga instructor Liana.

That was bad enough.
But when Devon confesses that his true feelings lie with her, she must make a confession of her own. Not only is she carrying a baby, but she is carrying it as a surrogate for her boss, Cynthia Jacobson- who happens to be difficult at best and neurotic at worst, demanding a ban on coffee (among other things), strict bed rest and a natural child birth.

Having Grace, a romantic comedy, is complete at 80,000 words and available upon request.
Thank you for your time.

And you better give me some input on this because I have spent my entire "lunch break" (let's go with that) retyping this from a split screen on my computer because this program won't let me copy and paste anything.
I have an idea of which one I like better but I would like to see what you think.
Have a good day.


Lorrie said...

Pitch A! Pitch B sounds similar to that new Jennifer Lopez movie which your book is totally not. Brings the whole surrogacy topic up sooner which is the whole point.

randine said...

At first I thought "Say what?? My book don't sound like no JLO movie, fool." But upon watching trailers for it, OK. Your point is well taken. Pitch A it is, I guess.

jayceelee said...

Pitch A...All the way!!