That is the title of Roberts Frost poem or some such thing about a man at a crossroads. I have really no idea what the rest of the poem is about, in fact, I actually don't think I've ever really read it. Or if I have I guess it was a long time ago. But anyways, this is not a dissertation on American Literature. The reason why I have borrowed that line is because I feel that I am at a similar crossroad.
The other night Geoff voiced to me his deep desire not to have any more children. I could see that it was not easy for him, he knows how important this baby is to me. In fact, we both cried that night. Well, me more than him. He wasn't saying that we couldn't have another. He was just asking me to really evaluate whether another baby is really the best thing for us at this point, and to think with my head and not just my heart.
The fact is that the spacing with these kids is not going to be what we had hoped. We wanted Payton and the new baby to be really close in age, so we could raise them together kind of. But now Payton will be three and a half when this baby is born, at the very youngest. Which, as you know, is only a short while from school age, a point which will afford us a lot more freedom- both financially and otherwise (our daycare fees will be a LOT cheaper once she's in school). Also, Gage is going to be ten when this hypothetical baby is born. We had agreed before that once our oldest is in his double digits then it's definately too late to start all over again.
What's more is that I know that realistically, we can't really afford for me to take another year off work. I would get EI but the wages are pathetic- only half of the salary that I'm accustomed to and that we count on to pay bills.
It was very difficult for me to even consider this. But yesterday at work I made a list of pros an cons of having a third child and I could tell at a quick glance that the cons easily outnumbered the pros. The exercise also made me realize that the number one reason why I want to have another baby is to replace Reid. And honestly, I'm not so sure that that's really a great reason to have another child. We still haven't made a firm decision one way or another. But the more that I think about it the more I must admit that perhaps we should simply be happy with what we have. The other thing is that I have always wanted to take Gage on a vacation. But if we have another baby we won't be able to go anywhere for a long time- I'll be tied down for nine months with the pregnancy and then another year or so afterwards with breastfeeding. Geoff and I have talked a bit about maybe taking the kids on a Disney Cruise next winter- a vacation of a lifetime for all of us. But that will be out of the question with a new baby.
These are difficult decisions to make. At times I feel good about the fact that we should just stop trying. But at times it tugs painfully at my heart. I want to see that positive line on a pregnancy test one more time. To hear that heart beat on Doppler for the first time again. To feel movement from within. To experience the sensation and satisfaction of seeing a baby asleep at my breast. But perhaps I must give up on this dream.
Anyways, this a bigger dilemna than the coffee pot, which as you know, took several grueling staff meetings to hammer out the decision. Geoff has agreed that if we decide not to have another baby he will have a vasectomy, the only thing I would agree to. I said if YOU don't want another baby then YOU can go and get fixed. I have some doubts about his going through with this so I could still end up pregant anyways. But anyways, in the meantime, I will welcome your input and feedback on this issue.