Saturday, March 3, 2007

The Path Not Taken

That is the title of Roberts Frost poem or some such thing about a man at a crossroads. I have really no idea what the rest of the poem is about, in fact, I actually don't think I've ever really read it. Or if I have I guess it was a long time ago. But anyways, this is not a dissertation on American Literature. The reason why I have borrowed that line is because I feel that I am at a similar crossroad.
The other night Geoff voiced to me his deep desire not to have any more children. I could see that it was not easy for him, he knows how important this baby is to me. In fact, we both cried that night. Well, me more than him. He wasn't saying that we couldn't have another. He was just asking me to really evaluate whether another baby is really the best thing for us at this point, and to think with my head and not just my heart.
The fact is that the spacing with these kids is not going to be what we had hoped. We wanted Payton and the new baby to be really close in age, so we could raise them together kind of. But now Payton will be three and a half when this baby is born, at the very youngest. Which, as you know, is only a short while from school age, a point which will afford us a lot more freedom- both financially and otherwise (our daycare fees will be a LOT cheaper once she's in school). Also, Gage is going to be ten when this hypothetical baby is born. We had agreed before that once our oldest is in his double digits then it's definately too late to start all over again.
What's more is that I know that realistically, we can't really afford for me to take another year off work. I would get EI but the wages are pathetic- only half of the salary that I'm accustomed to and that we count on to pay bills.
It was very difficult for me to even consider this. But yesterday at work I made a list of pros an cons of having a third child and I could tell at a quick glance that the cons easily outnumbered the pros. The exercise also made me realize that the number one reason why I want to have another baby is to replace Reid. And honestly, I'm not so sure that that's really a great reason to have another child. We still haven't made a firm decision one way or another. But the more that I think about it the more I must admit that perhaps we should simply be happy with what we have. The other thing is that I have always wanted to take Gage on a vacation. But if we have another baby we won't be able to go anywhere for a long time- I'll be tied down for nine months with the pregnancy and then another year or so afterwards with breastfeeding. Geoff and I have talked a bit about maybe taking the kids on a Disney Cruise next winter- a vacation of a lifetime for all of us. But that will be out of the question with a new baby.
These are difficult decisions to make. At times I feel good about the fact that we should just stop trying. But at times it tugs painfully at my heart. I want to see that positive line on a pregnancy test one more time. To hear that heart beat on Doppler for the first time again. To feel movement from within. To experience the sensation and satisfaction of seeing a baby asleep at my breast. But perhaps I must give up on this dream.
Anyways, this a bigger dilemna than the coffee pot, which as you know, took several grueling staff meetings to hammer out the decision. Geoff has agreed that if we decide not to have another baby he will have a vasectomy, the only thing I would agree to. I said if YOU don't want another baby then YOU can go and get fixed. I have some doubts about his going through with this so I could still end up pregant anyways. But anyways, in the meantime, I will welcome your input and feedback on this issue.

5 comments:

jayceelee said...

Hey there,
I can understand the confusion you are going through right now. I just had my tubal ligation done on Thursday and now the realization of no more children has hit me. And what I realize more than anything is that, we are really happy and content with two kids. We know that we will be physically and financially be able to care and support the both of them for the rest of their lives. And it has some kind of peace of mind to it.
As for getting fixed, take my word for it, Make G do it. If he wants it straight, send him to me. It was not fun. I am really sore and uncomfortable and am one of the few rare people who actually have a reaction to the clips they put around your tubes. I was sick of hearing about a males foolish pride about "shooting blanks" so I took it upon myself to do the deed. Although, he is not getting off easy. He is at my beck and call until we are even in this matter,which in my mind will never have an even score.
Take care of yourself. Call if you need to talk
Love Jody

vsorowski said...

I remember making the decision at 24! Medical reasons helped! I think whatever your decision or whatever fate brings will be a blessing! Sometimes when you make the decision--No more_ is when it happens! But if it did, Fate! Geoff has become a great hubby and father, so his feelings have to be considered as much as yours! But A vasectomy is the cost! You will be 30 and he will be 40, so consider, decide, and move on!! You know , my dear daughter, my other dear daughter,Lo(dill pickle), will probably pop out about 5 little buggers and they will need you, Aunty!Love you! Do what is best for your family,Pay and Gage are Miracle enough , if need be!
Jody s right about feeling a certain amount of releif! (Jodi hope you look better, than when I saw you Thurs., do you remember?,I think you were still pretty dopey, appreciated the BIG hug!!!
Randi , that Disney Cruise would you need an all expenses paid type nanny, cause I could be avaaillable--The offer applies to anyone!!!!MOM

gailcathcart said...

My dear Randi, I know you are at a crossroad in this decision and in your life. It is such a personal decision to make and it should only be up to you and Geoff to make it. Buuttttt what the hell is wrong with having children when your older ones are in the double digits? I have found having that gap has kept me on my toes and led me to the bottle, which I find is very soothing! I hope me input has not influenced your decision! To Jody I hope your feeling better, but milk it for all it's worth. These opportunites do not come along often! Take care.
Love you Randi
Aunt Gail

Lorrie said...

Heylo! Although very untrue about us popping out 5 kids we hope to have two and quite possibly name one after you...she OR he will be called Flodine Makepeace Sorowski in honour of his/her aunt (not this one of course...our next and LAST baby).
Either way you go it'll be the right way for you because on one hand you're an AWESOME mom and have enough love and patience for one more but if you 'stick with' the two you have you'll be able to do things like you mentioned, the Disney Cruise.
Not to joke but I think the kids would REALLY enjoy a week away from you and Geoff let's say next February to spend time with Great Grandma Betty. I can see the joy in their eyes as you come back from Cuba all tan and relaxed. They would absolutely LOVE it.
Seriously though, I wish Reid was coming in May and I know it's pointless to say "could have, would have, should have" but it makes me mad for you guys. I'm good at being mad though so if you ever have anything else bothering you let me know and I'll be mad for you.
When you know what you both want you tell us and we'll support you x1000. Either way I'm behind you!
Love you and Geoff and Gage and Payto and JD and Brady and I like Baxter so far and I love your nose and I love your hair but not your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crystal said...

Hey Randine! I have quite the busy life as you would know, so I only get to read your awsome blogs like once a month! Sorry for the late comment... Anyway, I know EXACTLY what your going through. Our kids are pretty much similar in age (Branden is 8, he'll be 9 in June, and Connor is 14months). I tried to convince Murray to have a vasectomy right after Connor was born, but he refused, knowing that I change my mind every 10 minutes! lol. But we have decided that we MIGHT try for one more within the next 3 - 4 years! I do want my girl...I know that there will be daycare fees, I'll be broke on EI, the kids will be far apart age wise..... I know you guys have made up your mind, and thats great! Congrats I wish we were that decisive! I guess I look at this like if we are meant to have another in a few years, then so be it...if it doesnt happen, then so be it. Hey if we could all have cash like Angelina Jolie!! Maybe we're in the wrong profession!
Hope to talk to you soon! Hey I'll be 29 on the 29th!!!!
Crystal