Monday, January 29, 2007

There's more than one way to cook a chop

Well now I'm worried. Last night I ate supper. And then an hour later I was hungry, so I had a snack. A very healthy snack: a pear. OK, OK. I'll admit that I sectioned the pear and dipped it in boiled chocolate. But it was still for the most part very healthy. And then, about an hour after that, I was hungry again. I looked and looked for something to eat, but there was nothing really appealing, so I simply went to bed with a book. But the hunger was still there. And I started to think "what if I have a tapeworm?" Why else would I have this insatiable hunger?? I'm getting a little nervous about it now. Every cloud has its silver lining, or so they say, and I suppose the upside to having a tapeworm would be that you could eat and eat and eat and not gain any weight. In fact, I actually remember once hearing about this diet pill that you could buy, and it was really effective, everyone who took it started shedding the pounds. But then it was pulled from the market because it was discovered that it alls it actually did was cause tapeworms. I'm not sure if thats an urban legend or a true story or what. But anyways, thats the upside. The downside is that- well do I actually have to spell it out for you?? There's a freaking worm growing in my gut. How sick is that?? And whats even worse than the thought of a worm in my gut is the thought of it coming out. I mean, what we don't know doesn't hurt us, right? But I remember hearing this other story once about a girl in high school, and she was eating a piece of cheese but also conversing with a friend and she was just holding the cheese to her mouth while she was talking, when all of a sudden the freaking worm comes out of her mouth and snatches the cheese. Just like something out of Alien or something. Could you even imagine that? So now I'm scared to eat cheese. Which is really too bad because I like cheese, and its really the only form of dairy that I'll eat so without it I'll probably break my first hip at the age of 35 instead of 40. Oh, God. Better start checking out walkers now.
Being the educated person that I am I know, of coure, that there's another explanation for the hunger I've been experiencing. The other possibility: repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse and I'm literally stuffing food down my throat to cram the memories in further and further. I really don't know what to hope for- the worm or the abuse? They're both pretty nasty. Hard pressed I'd have to say the abuse would be worse. But then- maybe not so much if the memories are repressed. I don't know. I'm just going to try not to think about it.

As if I didn't have enough on my mind, enter a new problem, well not so much new, just revisited: Marital Strife. I come home from work today. Its 5:24. No supper cooking. My husband said, by way of an explanation, that he was going to make pork chops but there was no tin foil. Okay, now maybe its just me, but I honestly don't see what A has to do with B (the A being the Pork chops, the B being the tinfoil). But apparently, he was going to make Shake'n'Bake, and you need the toinfoil to do the Bake part. Here are some suggestions that I can think of in thirty seconds, but none of which appeared in my husbands brain today:
--fry the pork chops
--Throw some lemon pepper on the chops and grill them
--Throw a can of mushroom soup on them and bake them
--Cut them up and stir fry them with some veggies
Like, is it really rocket science?? I don't understand. He can run the entire food and beverage department of a million dollar company but he cannot fry a freaking pork chop. And then he says, he says 'well we didn't have anything else to make and I couldn't go to the store because I had the kids" And its like "Oh really?? You can't go to the store with the kids?? Guess I must have missed that memo because here I've been like a fool dragging them around with me every damn place I've gone for the last ten years." I'm honestly rethinking lesbianism. I'm sure that if I were married to a woman, I would come home to a clean kitchen and pork chops on the table, how-ever they were prepared. I'm sure I could get past the whole homosexuality thing in time. I mean, I never really pictured myself having sex with a balding man with dentures, either. It wasn't exactly in any of my fantasies, but alas we make compromises. Anyways, the whole point is probably moot anyways because who's gonna want me with the whole tapeworm/sexual abuse thing I've got going on??

3 comments:

vsorowski said...

WOW! Just when I thought things were rough for Moi!! I hope there is another solution to your hunger problem, Did you realize some pregnant women are constantly famished? Just a thought! Hope things get better for you and you dont turn into a lesbian, as I think this may be disruptive to the children and the parents! Would you be the feminnine one cause that would mean you would need to find a 'Butch", and you know about that rubbing off on little girls, but anyways enuff about sexuallity, I hope you enjoyed a nice supper with Sil cause you could be sitting down with BUTCHarina to a perfectly done chop, now I am going on and on--Where do you get that nonsense rambling trait youhave!? I think you are just nervous about your brothers impending surgery! We shall get thru this TOGETHER! Love Mom

Lorrie said...

P.S. you don't need foil to cook shake 'n bake chops...it's called scrub the pan after. Didn't want to give you another reason to be angry but that's the first thing that popped into my head...foil????? What does he need foil for?
Did I ever mention that your one of the funniest women I've EVER met...second only to Sandra Bernard 'cause her voice is like silk ribbons. I'm glad my crazy coworker was off getting the mail for the last 55 minutes because I was laughing and she would have been like, what's so freaking funny about budget statements??????????? Love you! LEW

vsorowski said...

Where is everyone? Is It Just me or are all these comments penned by Sorowskis? (Same as on Lo's today!!)( You know her--!?Prez's mommy)!! Love MaMa