Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Hello Bill, have we met before?

So tomorrow I must ante up and pay a four hundred dollar vet bill. After that, we will only owe four more hundred, so I guess I should be happy. In retrospect, I'm not so sure why I insisted that we need to spend all this money on the sodden dog. All she ever does is bark and I'm pretty sure she has fleas. Add that into the mix with the tapeworm situation and we are one messed up family. In fact, it seems that the dog spends 99% of her time annoying me-- ie) digging in the garbage, running away, barking like mad at some stray newspaper blowing down the street, scratching herself and licking herself, and worse stuff than that- stuff that I don't dare even speak of. And for this I must pay this exorbitant amout of money. I finally get a raise at work and this is what happens- the dog starts puking green shit and my muffler falls off. Bye bye extra money in my bank account. Bye bye new clothes. I shall have to make do with my INXS Tshirt and tight black jeans for another month. Oh well. The heavy metal look is one that, I'm sure, will never really go out of style.
In the spirit of vet bills, I shall tell you a joke which I thought quite amusing. Ready? OK. This guy takes his dog to the vet and puts him on the table. "My dog is very sick. He won't eat, won't move, just lays there like this all day," the owner tells him. "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your dog is dead." the vet replies. Lets call him Stew.
"No, he can't be dead!" The man protests. So then Stew leaves the room and comes back in with a black lab. The lab walks around the table, sniffs the dog and leaves the room.
"Yes, he's most definately dead." Stew says again.
"No, no, he's not. He can't be," the man says, beside himself. So Stew leaves again and returns carrying a small cat. He puts the cat down on the table. The cat sniffs the dog, paws at it a bit, meows, then jumps down from the table and leaves.
"I'm so sorry. Its official. He's dead. That'll be $1500.00"
"What? $1500 just to tell me my dog is dead!?!" The man says, horrified.
.Wait for it.
... And the punch line
"Well, yeah" Stew replies "what with the Lab test and Cat scan we had to do..."
Get it?? Lab test?? Cat scan?? Isn't that hilarious. So funny. Oh, I just can't stop laughing.

Anyhoo, back to business. So big week coming up. I have this method for getting pregant, which some of you are familiar with. It goes like this: you have sex on day 11, 13, 15 and 17 of your menstrual cycle, starting with the first day of your last period as day one. The reason being is that fertility peaks on day 14, but thats plus or minus three days. And you have sex every other day because it takes 48 hours to build up a full sperm count, and you want to make sure that as soon as that little eggs pokes its little head out of your ovary that there's a full arsenal of sperm lurking around, waiting to pounce. And besides that, who really wants to have sex every day??? Saturday, for me, is day 11, which also (coincidentally??) is the same day that we get our new bed. So I'm getting prepared for the big week ahead, you know, shaving my legs and such.
Well, that is it for today. Three more sleeps til the new bed comes.
And PS-- I just can't sign off without clarifying that I was kidding about the INXS Tshirt and tight jeans. Honest.


Lorrie said...

A good joke but one that should only be told at parties where everyone is PLASTERED, haha!!!!! Unlike my 'parade' joke which we all adore...that one works so well in so many situations and is truly great.
I will not phone you ALL of Saturday (for I don't know what time the bed comes and what time it'll be in use). Toodles to you for now my friend. Love your SIL

vsorowski said...

Hi Dear its me again, mother, Girls, No need to compete in the Comedy Arena, as some how you both keep me smiling!! Randi -The Bed arriving and the Special Fertile time you speak of is plenty enuff information!!!I Do not need to know where the other 2 were made but I have my suspicions!!!
I hope there is no further action taken by your self to teach all your blog supporters--they are not here enuff for you! Hear That all you crazy ass women subscribers to this Blog!
My Son has just been thru surgery--That is Randi's Bro and Lo's Hubby We are all still forging ahead!!HELLOW?!

n.straker said...

Randine, I love your blog, so please don't quit! I've been having a tough time responding because I am not allowed on the computer for more than 30seconds at a time! Do you people out there think Liam is a little demanding and spoiled, or is he a typical boy? I've had more than 1 person say to me that he is a handful! Oh shit, here he comes...Gotta go
Love Nikki